Here Is Your Bernie Sanders New Hampshire Victory-Palooza Speech, For You To Fap To

That IS his smile!

Big news out of New Hampshire, like they rarely say! With 92 percent (and updating!) of precincts reporting, Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary by a 60-38 margin to become America's first Jewish president of the New Hampshitters (or of ANY primary ever in history), which means he will be traveling to the Feb. 20 Nevada caucuses on the wings of victory, hooray!

And when he did his victory speech, he spoke A VERY LONG TIME! Pro-tip for Nevada, Bernie, if you happen to win: Nevadans would like you to keep it brief, so that they can back to hitting the slot machines and having legal bunny ranch sexytimes in a timely manner. Also, pro-tip for any Wonkers who plan to LITERALLY FAP to this video. Since it is almost 30 minutes long, USE LUBE. Otherwise your peeners will fall off and then how will you #FeelTheBern? Not real good, we don't think!

In his speech, Bernie said one of the reasons New Hampshire was able to whip it out for him is that they were an "aroused electorate," which reminds us of New Hampshire's state song, "Is That A Dixville Notch In Your Pants, And Are You Going To Sex Me With It?"

As to her loss, Hillary Clinton was very graceful and upbeat, reassuring her supporters that New Hampshire is cool and all, but she's got this three-page memo in the front pocket of her pantsuit that says she's planning to win all the other everythings. Is she going to do that? MAYBE. Maybe not, though! Nobody knows, all those primaries are in the future!

But this post is about Sen. Sanders's yooge victory (he called it that), i.e., NOT ABOUT YOU, Hillary, so why you gotta email-ghazi all over the Sanders's supporters' happy funtimes blog post, huh?

Here is your happy funtimes sexy what-what video. Got your fapping hands ready? Ready, set, go! Oh, god, what, you're saying you want to READ ALONG while you fap? You are so weird. OK fine, here is the transcript. 

Now here's a jizz rag. Please wipe down and Windex this blog post when you are done and see yourself out.

[ transcript of Bernie Sanders's speech ]