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Welcome to your headquarters for comprehensive coverage of Ted Cruz Thinking About Jacking It. We're planning on starting a new vertical that is nothing but stories of Ted Cruz thinking about his penis, your penis, fake penises, and love gloves. Thank us later.

We've already told you about how Ted is pretty sure that if you want to touch a dildo, you also probably want to touch your sister. We've also been kind enough to provide you a list of things you can masturbate with once Teddy Boy takes away your god-given right to buy a Fleshlight. Everyone has, regrettably, had to give serious thought to Ted Cruz's sexual preferences thanks to Mother Jones digging up a brief Cruz wrote in Reliable Consultants v. Abbott, aka the Texas Dildo Case, in which Cruz yammered on for approximately forever about how dildos are bad and if you use them you are a bad person who should feel bad.

Now we have spent quality (?) time reading the entire fucking 13,000-word brief that Ted filed in the Texas dildo case, apparently because we wish to never have sex again. It's a deep dive into creepy conservative notions about sex, which can basically all be summed up as "sex is for making babies, not having fun."

Ted first has to do some heavy lifting to get around the fact that we allow the sale of contraceptives, including, say, banana-flavored glow-in-the-dark ribbed for her pleasure condoms. Easy-peasy! Just point out that condoms are for wrapping it up, not jacking it, and that America has decided to protect the right to contraception (even though that is a right that Ted Cruz personally does not likely support on account of how every Ted Cruz Sperm is sacred).

Moreover, unlike contraceptives, obscene devices do not implicate any liberty interest relating to procreation, and the Court should decline to create a new Fourteenth Amendment liberty interest broad enough to cover the commercial sale of sex. [...]

Appellants could not show that obscene devices are more analogous to contraceptives [...] than they are to obscene material used to stimulate genitals for non-procreative purposes.

Is there anything ickier than thinking of Ted Cruz repeatedly typing "stimulate genitals" again and again and again? NOPE.

Cruz is also pretty sure that if you can buy a dildo, you can buy a person.

Any contrary holding in this case, which involves only corporate plaintiffs, would extend due-process protection to the commercial sale of sex - a conclusion that would apply with equal strength in cases involving prostitutes.

We have tried for about three hours to parse how being allowed to buy a John Holmes replica dildo will somehow lead to the United States becoming New Amsterdam, sexytime-sales-wise, but we got nothin'.

The dildo merchants at the center of the lawsuit also tried to point out to Ted that there were medical and therapeutic devices actually approved by the FDA for treatment. Ted disagreed, but only after he'd lovingly, carefully, pored over their website looking for evidence of such devices.

Although [dildo merchants doing business as "Adam and Eve"] PHE alleged that, in the abstract, some obscene devices serve "a wide variety of therapeutic needs," neither Appellant alleged that the devices it sells are for use in treating legitimate therapeutic needs or that it sells obscene devices to medical professionals for use in treating patients. And although PEE noted that the Food and Drug Administration has regulated certain obscene devices for therapeutic use, a search of PHE's website reveals that PHE does not sell such devices-or at least fails to market them as such . See Adam and Eve Sex Toys Store, http://www.adameve com ("Search" function last accessed January 21, 2007).

And likely January 20, 2007, January 19, 2007, January 18, 2007...

After detailing his web-surfing habits in the service of serving his state and upholding the laws, Cruz writes approximately one million more words about substantive due process and the rational basis test and then we drifted off to sleep out of boredom, only to be awakened later in a cold sweat from terrifying dreams of Ted Cruz lovingly stimulating his genitals. We need to go bleach our brain and forget this ever happened.

Reliable Consultants v. Abbott Defendant-Appellee Brief

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