Dr. Anthony Fauci beat the shit out of Rand Paul today. It's just something people tend to do when they're around Rand Paul, we guess.

He didn't physically attack him, of course. It wasn't a yardwork dispute, after all!

Fauci was testifying for the Senate HELP Committee when Rand Paul, a horrible self-certified eye doctor, started fucking the same riding lawn mower he's been fucking for months, trying to get Fauci to "admit" that he and the National Institutes of Health have been funding "gain of function" research in Wuhan — i.e., lab experiments to engineer more lethal viruses for study or development of treatment, which is a very important part of the conspiracy theory wingnuts believe about the genesis of COVID-19. (After doing some googling and contemplating giving you a more thorough scientific explanation of this, we concluded that neither you nor we care. Rand Paul is just being an ass, as usual, a Little Leaguer trying to play in the Majors.) Fauci has explained gently to Paul in the past that Paul is wrong and Paul is an idiot and Paul is a bad doctor. He has to do it pretty much every time he goes to the Senate.

This time, Fauci said right to Mister "Doctor" Paul's mediocre face that "You do not know what you're talking about." He added that he wanted to say that "officially," out loud, on the public record. (Watch both videos in the tweet below, it's all part of it.)



This time, Paul was even nastier than usual, essentially blaming Fauci for killing four million people around the world with this alleged "gain of function" research Paul does not understand. Paul accused Fauci of previously lying to Congress: "Knowing that it is a crime to lie to Congress, do you wish to retract your statement of May 11 where you claimed that the NIH never funded gain of function research in Wuhan?"

Fauci responded, "Senator Paul, I have never lied before the Congress, and I do not retract that statement." He explained that what Rand Paul was referring to was not what Rand Paul thinks it is, which is understandable to us because advanced medicine is really not Rand Paul's field, OK?

"Senator Paul, you do not know what you are talking about, quite frankly, and I want to say that officially. You do not know what you're talking about."

Paul, continuing to act like a janitor at LensCrafters who thinks he just Freaky Friday-ed with a good doctor, went on to accuse Fauci of "trying to obscure responsibility for four million people dying around the world from a pandemic." After some more back and forth, after Paul again accused him of lying, Fauci said actually sir, you are the one who is lying.

Rand Paul was trying so hard to shake his tail feathers and show everybody his dick, cosplaying as a big man when he said "all the evidence is pointing that it came from the lab, and there will be responsibility for those who funded the lab, including yourself!" Fauci responded, "I totally resent the lie that you are propagating," and proceeded to explain more science Rand Paul doesn't understand, using words like "molecular."

After Senator Little Man's time had expired, but while the senator was of course still yapping with his shitty mouth hole, Fauci said, "You are implying that what we did was responsible for the deaths of individuals. I totally resent that. And if anybody was lying here, Senator. It is YOU." He jabbed his finger right at Rand Paul when he said that.

With an insolent look on his face, Kentucky's junior senator took a sip of water.

And that's how one of the greatest epidemiologists in the world tells the country's smallest senator to go fuck himself.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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