Here's All The Hottest Russia Investigation News, None Of Which Is About Hillary's Uranium

Never not a good time to use this picture.

Whatcha doin' this fine Friday, Donald Trump?

Nope. Saying it doesn't make it so, even if he says it one million times per day.

In that spirit, let's talk about some things that have happened related to the REAL Russia investigation this week, because we promise Robert Mueller isn't investigating a debunked story about Hillary emailing all the uranium to Russia.

The Hillary dirt the Russian lawyer gave Trump Junior in Trump Tower was signed, sealed and delivered by the Kremlin!

Ever since news dropped of the meeting in Donald Trump Jr.'s meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower, all the parties involved have tried to act like it was no big deal. The New York Times says differently in a new report out today! The Russians scored the meeting by telling Junior they had dirty dirt on Hillary Clinton share ("If it's what you say, I love it!" replied Junior), and it turns out Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya had shared that dirt up and down the hallways and dungeons of the Kremlin, and everybody was like "Da! Hillary sux!" and agreed it should be shared with the Trump people. So much for the notion she was acting independently of the Russian government.

Remember how the original email thread setting up the meeting promised Junior that the "crown prosecutor" of Russia had agreed to share this information with the Trump campaign? That guy (whose actual title is prosecutor general) is named Yuri Chaika, and Veselnitskaya is tight with him. Not only did Chaika send Veselnitskaya to give this "dirt" to Junior and pals, he also gave it to an "American congressman" two months before the Trump Tower meeting. (Three guesses which one!) According to the NYT, Veselnitskaya also gave the memo full of Hillary "dirt" to Rep. French Hill, Republican of Arkansas.

About that "dirt":

In the past week, Ms. Veselnitskaya’s allegations — that major Democratic donors were guilty of financial fraud and tax evasion — have been embraced at the highest levels of the Russian government. President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia repeated her charges at length last week at an annual conference of Western academics. A state-run television network recently made them the subject of two special reports, featuring interviews with Ms. Veselnitskaya and Mr. Chaika.

The matching messages point to a synchronized information campaign.

Nice "dirt"!

The Democratic donors involved in the alleged fraud had invested money with Bill Browder, the financier who used to be the biggest foreign investor in Russia, and who has spent the last several years exposing actual fraud committed by the Russian government and who has fought for the Magnitsky Act, which sanctions the bejesus out of Putin and all his BFFs. Natalia Veselnitskaya's work in the United States has focused in large part on getting the Magnitsky Act repealed and all the sanctions lifted. So it turns out that on top of using this information to try to collude with the Trump campaign to hurt Hillary Clinton, this was also a part of Russia's smear campaign against Browder. The Kremlin was killing a lot of birds with one stone with this one!

What was Trump tweeting above, about how it's "commonly agreed" there was no collusion? Maybe among idiots, but not out here among the normal people!


When we said "Three guesses which one!" above, did you get that we were talking about Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Kremlin)? On top of his fancy trips to Moscow to get marching orders, Rohrabacher also went to see Julian Assange recently, to supposedly get PROOF that Russia didn't hack the 2016 election. He wants to share this PROOF directly with Donald Trump! Unfortunately, SADFACE, General John Kelly won't let Rohrabacher into the Oval Office so he can tell Trump the PROOF.

On Tuesday, Trump had rice and two pieces of cherry pie with all the Republican senators, and Rohrabacher was spotted outside, obviously trying to steal a sexxxy minute with Trump on Capitol Hill:

Sadly for poor Rohrabacher, Trump left without acknowledging his existence.

On top of that, Rohrabacher is being slapped in the face by his own GOP colleagues in the House, who have cut off funding for his extra-curricular trips to Russia and to Julian Assange's bedroom. Unfair! House Republicans might be complicit motherfuckers, but for some reason, they don't want a guy who might actually be a Russian intelligence asset spreading Kremlin propaganda all over the House floor. We guess some things are beyond the pale, even for House Republicans.


Yep, there was definitely NO COLLUSION between Trump people and Russia, it is commonly agreed! News broke this week, though, that Donald Trump's data gurus at Cambridge Analytica, which is partly owned by the Mercers, who are megadonors to Trump, Breitbart and everything else that's wrong with America, actually approached Assange to offer their assistance in tracking down Hillary Clinton's mythological 33,000 deleted emails. Assange, strangely, told them to fuck off:

[Assange's] statement on Twitter came in response to a report by the Daily Beast that [Cambridge Analytica chief Alexander] Nix had reached out to offer help in locating and releasing 33,000 emails Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said were deleted from the private server she used as secretary of state because they were deemed personal.

“I can confirm an approach by Cambridge Analytica [prior to November last year] and can confirm that it was rejected by WikiLeaks,” Mr. Assange wrote Wednesday on Twitter.

It's well-known that the OTHER Hillary emails leaked by Assange came from hackers working for the Russians, and it's also known that Michael Flynn's dead friend Peter Smith claimed to be working with Russian hackers to find those "33,000 deleted emails."

But as Trump said, it's "commonly agreed" there was no collusion between Trump and Russia, so we probably shouldn't even talk about this.


Wait, who said anything about Paul Manafort? NOBODY, that is who, but we have a theme going with our sub-headlines, so SPEAKING OF PAUL MANAFORT. He's just being investigated by the US attorney for the Southern District of New York for possibly laundering money for the Russians, that's all. Meanwhile, the US attorney for the Eastern District of New York is investigating the Kushner companies. Also meanwhile, Donald Trump has been personally interviewing candidates for US attorneys in those very districts, which is something presidents DO NOT DO. One of the front-runners for the EDNY position is a colleague of Trump lawyer Marc Kasowitz, and the leading dude for SDNY works at Rudy Giuliani's law firm. (That's Preet Bharara's old job.)

But listen, you guys, it's probably no big deal, and we shouldn't worry that Trump is trying to install toadies in the very jurisdictions that might be closing in on him, his family and associates. Haven't we fully established in this post that it's commonly agreed upon that the Russia investigation is fake news, and that the REAL collusion scandal involves Hillary Clinton doing Uranium Whitewater with Russia?

That's what we thought.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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