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Kim Davis is one of those county clerks who thinks that her personal relationship with a bigot version of Jesus that never existed gives her a hall pass from doing her fucking job, which, among other things, is issuing marriage licenses to the couples of Rowan County, Kentucky. Yes, EVEN the gay ones. Davis thinks that if that's the case, she'll just stop doing marriage licenses altogether, even though that's -- again -- HER FUCKING JOB. So the ACLU is suing her ass right and good, on behalf of four couples in the county who have tried and failed to get marriage licenses. Oh, and they're not all gay couples, either; half of them (that's two of the couples, for you D-U-Capital-M's out there) are opposite-sexing couples!


Here are Davis's "reasons" why she thinks she doesn't have to follow the law:

"It's hard, I will tell you that," Davis said. "What has happened is that five lawyers have imposed their personal view of what the definition of marriage should be on the rest of us. And I, as a Christian, have strong views, too. And I know I don't stand alone."

But those "five lawyers" are on the Supreme Court of the United States of America and you, Kim Davis, are not, you dumbass. Perhaps you could rectify this decision by starting your life over, pinpointing where you made the wrong turn that led you down this road of shameless, ignorant, gay-hating wingnuttery masquerading as "faith," and then choose the Road Less Traveled instead. Nah, you won't make it to the Supreme Court then either, but it was worth a shot.

So this one gay couple, David Vincent Moore and his homosexually betrothed life partner, decided to go give Davis a try, and this time on videotape. LET'S LIVE-BLOG THE FUN PARTS.

0:00 - 5:32 -- Boooooooooring. We find out that the two have been gay lovers for 17 years and residents of the county for 10 years, and then they wait a bunch. This county clerk's office makes the average DMV look like a drug-fueled sex orgy on Space Mountain.

5:34 -- Some blonde lady wearing loud clip-cloppy shoes stomps in front of the camera. We don't know if she's trying to make a point, or if she's just clip-clopping off to powder her Old Kentucky Nose.

5:47 -- An off-camera hick lady asks, "don't you girls have anything better to do?", presumably referring to the girls who came long with the gay dudes. Or maybe she is hip to the Kids These Days lingo about gays and is referring to them as "gurls."

6:40 -- SOME BITCHY QUEEN who works at the clerk's office asks, in a bitchy, queeny way, "Are you gonna want yer marriage license? We don't sell marriage licenses in this county, you can go to our surrounding counties ..." UM, FELICIA? What are you doing working for the Princess of the Bigots and why you gotta be throwin' all kinda SHADE over this? The homosexually beloveds say no, we will wait our turn and the bitchy queen is like "okay gurl."

7:20 -- The boys still have not been called up, but OOH, THEY ARE GETTING THE POLICE, because some other county lady says you're not allowed to videotape. She is A Idiot.

8:05 -- There is confusion over who is next in line; surely it is not the homosexuals! Bitchy Queen says, "your business has been taken care of," much as he probably used to do when he worked at Ross Dress For Less when his shift was about to be over. The staff won't let them talk to Kim Davis, though she is clearly not that busy, considering the fact that she has decided not to do HER FUCKING JOB these days.

9:05 -- Some lady pulls out her Walmart flip phone and starts videoing them BACK. Ya burnt!

9:45 -- Policeman shows up and escorts the boys to the front counter, FINALLY. Deer-in-headlights lady explains that they can talk to Davis when she's done being "busy." The boys have a letter from the governor of Kentucky, Steve Beshear, which says that they CAN TOO get a marriage license, and they also have a copy of the Supreme Court ruling, not that that's the boss of Kim Davis or anything.

10:15 -- The boys are like "let me show you what this ruling says" and the lady explains that yes, well, Ms. Davis is a Christian and because of that, she feels she gets to play by a different set of rules, now if you could just wait until she is done pulling the lint out of her navel, you can talk to her.

And then FINALLY, at long last, Davis shows up to explain that she does not want her picture made for the newspaper, and also she will not be issuing a marriage license. Oh well, you got your picture made anyway, enjoy being famous for being a pigheaded bigot, Ms. Kim Davis!

[The New Civil Rights Movement]

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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