So here's two minutes of Glenn Beck talking about the terrible horrible no good very bad thing that happened at a high school in Bellingham, Washington, Glenn's home town. Basically, a teacher let her drama club students plan their own end-of-year awards ceremony. And high school students being high school students -- actually, worse: high school drama club members being high school drama club members, it got raunchy. Rude jokes, rude awards, and casual awfulness. You know. High school stuff. Except that the teacher, Teri Grimes, "a veteran of three decades who is slated to retire after this year," apparently didn't step in and censor the kids' presentation, because she Just Hates America. And also, maybe after nearly thirty years, she thought there was some merit in letting kids design and run their own awards show. Like they do in Communist Roosha.

A very upset mom complained in an email to the local TV station, because her innocent 17-year-old daughter was exposed to tasteless humor and swears, including joke awards like “horniest girl” and "horniest stud," for which lucky fellow the prize was, according to the station, "a sex toy,' which somehow got converted into the now-infamous "box of sex toys" when Glenn Beck's The Blaze picked up the story. Yes, the dildo or dildos were given to a boy as a joke, even though almost all of the outraged comments on this story have asked "How would YOU feel if the school handed YOUR 14-year-old daughter a box of dildos???????"

The last straw was this terrible, unspeakable joke, which definitely should have been banned because it is ANCIENT. But apparently it was New To Mom, who describes her horrified reaction:

"I sat there with my mouth open in shock and the final straw was when a joke was told on stage about a teacher, a lawyer and a priest on a plane. The plane was going down and the teacher says we have to save the children. The attorney says "F*** the children!" and the priest says "OOOOH..Do we have time for that???"

Just how traumatic was the whole episode? The mom closed her email thusly:

"WE need to get the word out there that THIS is the kind of TRASH that is being taught in our schools. I am so shocked right now I am in tears."

And, OK, yeah, it was a bit over the top, and Ms. Grimes apologized very sincerely, no doubt thanking the ghost of Henrik Ibsen that she was finally out of teaching high school drama.

And so we have this video, in which Glenn & crew say that "the schools" are distributing condoms and dildos to every little tiny child, but you can't say "Merry Christmas" or you'll be sent to a FEMA camp. Also, HOMESCHOOL.

Things we love about the interwebs: if Glenn Beck hadn't talked about a box of dildos, we never would have googled "box of dildos" and we never would have known about this 2009 boxed set from the metal band Rammstein:

If they were ever actually sold, we bet one of THOSE would go for a bundle (no, other than a cursory ebay search, we didn't look into it). Now THAT would be an awards ceremony.

[KOMO via The Blaze via Mediaite]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. A better award might be a bag of dicks. Or just one dick, and then The Blaze could make it a whole bag.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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