Here's Your Wonkette Christmas Menu, To Put Inside Your Face
OH YEAH BABY EAT IT
Happy Christmas Eve, elves and lady elves, are you in the mood for Wonkette to cram your throatholes with goodness? Then let's get our shopping lists ready so we can prepare the traditional Wonkette Christmas Feast, which has been celebrated by families across U.S. America since right now. As we are not dictators, it's kind of a Choose Your Own Adventure, because there are many ways to celebrate Christmas Wonket-style. Let's go!
Booze, because it's a tradition, because Baby Jesus's first miracle was some real magic bartender shit, and also because you have to deal with your family
Let's face it, you people do not remotes care about what food you eat on Christmas, as long as you're boozed up. So, if you are a traditional sort, you will want eggnog, and luckily Wonkette has two choices for you: 2011 Wonkette Eggnog, or 1974 Playgirl Eggnog, which has Burt Reynolds's penis in it. UP TO YOU!
Or maybe you would like some spiked apple cider, or a pomegranate gin cocktail. There are Wonkette recipes for those too!
Alternate suggestions: Beer, wine, so many bottles of Fireball.
Something to snack on while you're drinking and cooking and mostly drinking
May we recommend that you munch on some yummy stuffed celery, or put Wonkette's Christmas Balls in your mouth? You'll need those for sustenance while you make the Best Appetizer On Earth, which is Dates, Bacon, Bleu Cheese and Toasted Pecans, pictured above.
How is your mouth doing looking at THAT? Is it leaking all your mouthy hunger juices? Well get a napkin, ASSHOLE, we just cleaned our granite countertops!
MEATS, YOU NEED TO EAT YOUR MEATS
OK, so we have to admit, our recipe hub doesn't have enough Eat Your Meats dishes in it. So we're going to just recommend you do one of these Wonkette Approved Meat Tasks:
- Deep-fry a turkey like a fucking grown man.
- Do this amazing porchetta thing, which is a fancy way of saying "this one kind of special pork roast."
- Have a ham or turkey delivered by one of those 'spensive delivery services, like a civilized adult. Alternately, you could go to the ham store and say, "I'd like to buy the ham."
- You could do steaks!
Or fuck it, eat this recipe for Wonkette corn dogs, we don't care what you do because you're not our real dad.
Sides, to coat the meat in your body
We will never stop telling you to eat this Grown-Up Baked Macaroni And Cheese, For Grown-Ups, which is (KITCHEN FACT!) in our oven right now.
And so your shits come out all right, whip up some green beans (NOT CANNED, ASSHOLES), or maybe these yum-ass collard greens. Oh and some rolls. You need rolls, and if you're not going to be a lazy ass and just buy Sister Schubert rolls (we would not blame you), then make THESE.
Eat your dessert, fools!
All right, this post is making US hungry, and we are eating right now, which has to be some kind of meta food porn thing, so we're gonna do this quick:
- Cookie Crust Cheesecake!
- Gingerbread With Lemon Sauce!
- Criminally Good NSFW Gingerbread Cookies, for traditional Christmassy Good Time Sexxx Fun!
- The World's Easiest Peanut Butter Fudge! (Pictured up top!)
That enough dessert for you? No? Why don't you just eat Cool Whip out of the tub and call it a day, then?
What if I am a Jewish?
Then you do not need Wonkette posts to tell what to put in your mouth on Christmas, and your reservation/order at your favorite Chinese place has been in for MONTHS. Or maybe you are like Kaili and you are cooking your OWN gourmet Jewish Chinese food this year, like some kind of non-goyim Martha Stewart. You do you.
Anyway, wasn't all that food so good? You have eated it all and you are now as full as a tick between Santa Claus's manboobs. Merry Christmas!
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.