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Herman Cain Says He'd Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

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Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he wouldlikely have a "substantial lead" over President Obama if he'd been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it:


“The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

...said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning "9-9-9" tax proposal apparently originated in the video game "Sim City 4."

Mr. Cain also explained that the recent flap over Romney's "47 percent" coments was a "non-story," presumably because 47 is a really boring number that can't be chanted and is not a homophone for anything in German. He believes the story of Romney calling half of Americans irresponsible moochers has simply been blown out of proportion by the media, and added that he looks forward to becoming a member of the media when he replaces screaming madman Neal Boortz on radio.

Cain also said that he would not be interested in a cabinet position with a possible Romney administration because even though he has a rich fantasy life, he's not completely divorced from reality just yet.

In his speech to 300 college students, part of his “College Truth Tour,” Cain repeated what has become his favorite tag line, “Stupid people are ruining America, and we've got to take it back."

Mr. Cain then reportedly expressed satisfaction at winning the 2012 Dunning-Kruger Achievement Prize.

[Gainesville Sun]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Deleted Comments: We Gave God The Banhammer

The Commentczar's In Town

Yr Wonkette has been getting quite a few visits from trolls lately, although most of the infestations have been incredibly tiresome and not at all worth discussing here. We're talking, like, not even as good as ol' Turgid Love Muscle Guy. Come to think of it, we haven't seen him in a while; hope he's OK. At least health-wise.

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In 2006, Bob Casey Jr., then the Pennsylvania state treasurer, defeated Rick Santorum and took his seat in the US Senate; presumably only after having it steam cleaned. Not that Casey wanted anything much to do with Dan Savage, the columnist who had helpfully made the alternative definition of "Santorum" one of the best demonstrations of the power of trolling for the prior three years. But in '06, Casey's campaign actually declined a donation from Savage; Casey's finance director thanked him, but suggested maybe Savage could give the money to a group working against Santorum so Casey wouldn't get flak for taking the donation. That was back when Dems were happy to talk about civil unions but frightened of gay marriage, and Casey just plain wussed out on the chance to bring a "weeks-long debate about feces, lube, and assfucking" to the Senate race, as then-Wonket Dave Weigel put it. But Bob Casey has come rather a long way since then, and he now supports marriage equality. He might still be a bit shy about a full-on embrace of buttsechs talk, however.

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