Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom

Fellow Patriots®, are you tired of the gay agenda being rammed down your throat? Are you afraid that the repeated joyous celebrations of legalized gay marriage exploding all over your face will give you gay herpes of the eye? You are not alone, and we have a hero who has returned from the ashes, like a dung beetle we thought the universe had shat out of existence, only to return like a shit-stained phoenix rising from derp-filled ashes of bigotry:

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who first received national attention when he flouted a court decision ordering him to remove a Ten Commandment monument he installed in the court rotunda, is now calling on his state’s governor to defy a federal judge’s ruling which found Alabama’s ban on same-sex marriage to be unconstitutional.

First, we need to understand that Judge Moore is basing his argument on sound historical context. When Jesus crossed the Delaware to write the Constitution in his own blood in the consecrated Freedom Hall in Philadelphia, it is well known that he rang the Liberty Bell only after noting that this Christian country shall forever define marriage as only between one man and one woman. That’s just scientific historical fact -- you can look that up in the lie-brul Common Core textbooks, even.

You might think that Judge Moore (who is clearly not Mormon) is just pulling craziness out of his godly ass, but you would be WRONG. He is a S-M-R-T man what knows his history and legal soundbites theory. In his letter to Alabama's governor, he even quotes from the Supreme Court:

Even the Unites States Supreme Court has repeatedly recognized that the basic foundation of marriage and family upon which our Country rests is “the union for life of one man and one woman in the holy estate of matrimony; the sure foundation of all that is stable and noble in our civilization; the best guaranty of that reverent morality which is the source of all beneficent progress in social and political improvement.”

Holy goat balls, that’s a mouthful. Is that a recent ruling? Maybe a dissent to Lawrence v. Texas or something? Wait, no … it’s FROM FUCKING 1885!!

Way to go, Judge Moore. Not only could you not find anything relevant from this century, you picked a ruling from before women could vote, when it was still illegal in most of the country for white folks and black folks to inter-marry and create mongrel babbies, because religion. We're not sure if that's a better or worse argument than some of Alabama's probate judges who are refusing to issue marriage licenses on the grounds that the recent order overturning the state's ban on gay marriage doesn't specifically say they have to. [contextly_sidebar id="CpGWUqbfZPBPZfdGmppunSepRHGa2PAk"]

You can imagine the rest of Moore’s letter -- the basic “God’s law is mightier than man’s law” stuff, like there is some kind of pissing contest between the two that only Moore can see. There is something weirdly meta about a judge advocating for a state to ignore the rulings of a court.

We’re sure that Moore comes at this from an enlightened, reasoned position, right? It’s not like he has a string of bigoted quotes that someone like RightWingWatch could easily compile for us or anything:

He also said that marriage equality is literally the work of the Devil, alleging that it is leading to divine wrath in the form of economic and societal suffering.

It’s THE DEVIL. That guy is so sneaky, infiltrating everything from wearing Prada to marriage to yoga. What a dick. [contextly_sidebar id="8q12wU1B2C83IFBtgbDjMNfkNi6q5vVg"]

But the devil has a plan beyond just economic and societal suffering. Marriage equality is only the start of a slippery, well-lubed slope into utter chaos:

“If you deny that rights come from God, then there is no moral basis for society,” and without that understanding, according to Moore, then society will face “bestiality, homosexuality, sodomy [and] incest.”

Judge Moore doesn’t answer this, but if Dok Zoom fucks a goat, which births a Satyr, would Dok be committing bestiality or incest if he the banged said Satyr? Someone page Dan Savage...

Judge Moore ends his letter to Alabama’s governor pleading with him to uphold straight-only marriage, no matter what any activist judges may say,“both for the welfare of this state and for our posterity.” Defying the federal courts would certainly help Alabama be remembered in posterity, just like those civil rights heroes of Arkansas who are remembered for upholding segregation.

Judge Moore is on the losing side of history, but he is determined to make future generations remember him as one of the leading bigots of the fight against marriage equality.

We'd write more, but Rebecca just brought in a petting zoo for our daily orgy, so we gotta go.


Follow DDM on Twitter (@Wonksplainer), because why not?


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