Hero Science Man Matt Walsh: Feminists Hate Women, Because Slut Pills Kill

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Matt Walsh, a dingus who writes for Glenn Beck's Flaming Internet Hole, presents a science-based case against The Pill, which he has discovered is really, really bad for women, because SCIENCE. For one thing, he read a genuine medical study that found "women who took chemical birth control at any point in their lives show a 50 percent higher likelihood of developing a certain type of brain tumor." That's scary! Also it means that The Pill lets men have consequence-free sex, while women will all die of diseased brains!


Or maybe Walsh didn't read the study, but he sure saw a thing about it in Time Magazine, which is mostly the same. And maybe he kind of left out the fact that the "certain type of brain tumor" is already extremely rare -- affecting  about 5 women in 100,000, and that includes all women, including those taking hormonal contraceptives (for comparison, women who smoke have a 1-in-15 chance of getting lung cancer). Turns out that doubling the risk of "extremely rare" is still "extremely rare." And no, that tiny increased risk is not for "women who took chemical birth control at any point in their lives," but for "women using progestin-only birth control," which is far less commonly prescribed than pills combining progestin and estrogen. So to sum up, before escaping his second paragraph, Walsh has already lied a few times.

Happily, that doesn't matter, because he says that even without the disturbing news that The Pill Gives Women BRAIN CANCER, there are many good science reasons to reject birth control pills, which "would be no doubt subject to severe scrutiny if not for the fact that they are the Eucharist to liberal feminism."

Now, Walsh wants to be very clear that not only feminists take The Pill -- he thinks it's likely that some normal women do, too! But he is quite certain that "the pill is particularly crucial to liberal feminist philosophy because it’s seen as a 'liberation' from their feminine biology." Like how feminists are always burning their bras!

But just imagine how amazingly empowering it would be if women rejected that thinking and saw the ability to bring forth LIFE ITSELF as something other than a burden!

If a woman’s reproductive powers were seen as powers, rather than a disease or a burden or an oppression, I think conservatives and liberals alike could find many common reasons to reject the pill. If we could simply get past the notion that a woman must be liberated from her nature, we might all look at hormonal birth control and see it as the poison it is. And not just poison, but poison unfairly placed before women. Feminists are on a constant quest to find double standards, yet they miss the most obvious ones. Women assume the enormous risk and consequence of birth control, and men just get free sex out of the deal.

Where is the feminist outrage when you need it?

Damn it, feminism, why have you shamed women into suppressing their power?

So then Walsh has a whole bunch of Science Reasons why women -- once freed of the notion that they should suppress their power to make babies happen any old time whether they want a baby or not (but they want babies because Babies are Power, shut up) -- should clearly see that The Pill is terrible. For one thing, it's a "steady diet of chemicals," and we all know chemicals are bad -- just look at all the crunchy granola liberals who avoid hormone-injected beef! Says Walsh, "It seems rather silly to get worked up over genetically modified food when we are so eager to chemically modify ourselves." It's just unnatural, is what it is!

Worse, The Pill does a great metaphorical injustice to women! It treats femininity itself as a "disease" that needs to be "treated!"

The birth control pill is a dramatic and potentially harmful “medication” designed to “cure” a natural function of a woman’s body. It seems that men who develop and push these pills are vaguely sexist and anti-woman (OK, not vaguely) because they have literally made a female’s reproductive system into a sickness.

We have to say, that's a pretty good parody of the kind of writing you might find in a sophomore-level women's studies class. Brava, Mr Walsh! What's more, The Pill "wasn’t primarily designed to treat a dysfunction. It was designed instead to cause dysfunction" by interrupting a perfectly natural cycle! Also, too, there's all the cancer caused by birth control all the time!

Next, Walsh links to a 2008 Scientific American article that proves beyond doubt that The Pill changes women's taste in men. This isn't conservative antifeminism, this is just science, and you should be terrified by it, ladies!

It’s a fascinating and morbid subject, and I encourage you to read up on it if you haven’t. To summarize and simplify, women on the pill tend to gravitate towards men who are more feminine. This might explain, in part, the pop culture devolution from Frank Sinatra to Justin Bieber, John Wayne to Zach Efron, and so forth, but the implications run much deeper. The pill, being a chemical substance that so profoundly messes with a woman’s biology, creates confusion and pulls her towards men she wouldn’t otherwise find attractive. To think that this couldn’t harm relationships is naive.

Aside from all of the physical side effects, it’s scary to think that any drug could wreak this kind of psychological havoc.

The Pill is causing divorce and increasing wimp genes in the breeding pool! When will the madness stop?

Walsh closes by returning to faux-feminist language, saying that by "temporarily sterilizing themselves" with The Pill, women are actually commodifying themselves to fit into the business world. And commodification is anathema to Marxist feminists, who have now proven themselves to by hypocrites. Who are also killing themselves with the brain cancer and suppressing their reproductive super-powers.

In conclusion, stop taking The Pill and have lots of babies if you really want to unleash your power as a woman, and stop letting those dumb feminists push you around, ladies, the end.

[The Blaze]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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