Heroic Texas Ag Commissioner Will Save Children From Spending A Few Hours Without Fried Food

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If Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller gets his way, the state’s 10-year ban on deep fryers and soda machines in public schools will disappear like $10 elastic waist jeans from a Walmart clearance bin.


In a letter to the editor of the Houston Chronicle, Miller stood by his 2014 campaign proposal because government tyranny might be lurking around any salad bar.

I believe each school district - not the state or federal government - should decide what foods are offered to students. It's about giving back local control and allowing each school district to make the best decision for their community.

It's simple. If a school district doesn't agree with any of these changes, then the district doesn't have to implement them. That's the beauty here. It's not about French fries; it's about freedom. I will always support decision-making at the local level.

See guys? Texas Republicans will always support the decisions of local governments (unless it's to ban fracking). In fact, this isn't the first time Miller took up the cause of local control over school food offerings. In January, Miller’s first act as Commissioner was to grant ‘amnesty to cupcakes,' which is weird because that's kind of a soft, yuppie treat to go the mat for if you’re a 10-gallon hat wearing teabagger. However, while this cupcake clemency was a largely symbolic move publicizing his predecessor's reversal of a law limiting such treats in Texas schools, Miller took no time letting Texas parents know that they have a friend who will give them ample opportunity to sugar up the overcrowded classrooms.

"We've been raising big, strapping, healthy young kids here in Texas for nearly 200 years. We don't need Washington, D.C., telling us how to do it," he said.

While it's a little odd to hear a public official talking about kids like they're livestock, it's hard to argue with Miller's "big kid" designation. In 2013, Texas’s childhood obesity rate rose to 16%, fourth in the nation behind heavy-breathers Arkansas, Kentucky and Alabama. And with Miller’s empowering leadership, local districts can help Texas’ kids ooze past the competition!

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Now a skeptical person might wonder if Miller is sincere about his commitment to his small government mantra. After all, in 2011 Miller crafted Texas’ current law requiring doctors to perform sonograms on women before they get their still-legal abortions. But that person probably just needs a Fried Oreo.

Miller's legislative background helped him defeat a crowded field for this plum job. Even more impressive is that he did so with shit-for-brains-and-also-pants Ted Nugent as treasurer of his campaign. So credit where it's due for overcoming those odds. Yet in light of this, it's not surprising that Miller called the "Meatless Mondays" movement "treasonous." One can only imagine his opinion of Taco Tuesdays.

Commissioner Miller vocally campaigned on these school food issues, so hyperbolic rhetoric aside, should a cheese curd infused Midwestern bastard such as myself really take the time to squabble with a school's access to sugary drinks and a bubbling, oily fire hazard? This is obviously what the people of Texas want – like their made up history classes and their unregulated fertilizer tinderboxes. And if the current ban on soda and deep frying shit is dropped, children won't have to wait all day for access to a "Fried Coke," which is a real and fucksgusting looking thing. Is the well-being of children really more important than the well-being of freedom? I think that answer is pretty obvious.

Sid Miller: Friend of Texas. Friend of Freedom. Friend of Type 2 Diabetes.

[The Week/Texas Tribune]

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