He's A Dishwasher At Chili's. She Babysits Sometimes But Not Usually. BUDGET: FIVE MILLION DOLLARS
Totally normal high school teacher's kitchen. (Brad Dickson / New York Times)
Get ready, y'all, because the New York Times has another totally normal human interest real estate-hunting story for us to read, about a regular high school teacher and his regular stay-at-home wife, and their regular search for a multi-million dollar townhouse in Brooklyn. See up there? That is their kitchen. It is very similar to the kitchens of all high school teachers whose spouses don't work. (Full slideshow here!)
Yes, this is the story of Josh Lapidus and Tara Consi and their ugh so grueling search for the perfect move-up house in Brooklyn. Josh is 44, and he is a high school teacher. Tara, 45, doesn't work. So, if you're guessing they closed on their new place in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, in April 2013 for $1.7 million, you are right on target.
All these NYT real estate stories feature times of tribulation, times that remind the reader of the Biblical story of God testing Job's devotion, and this family is no different. They called an engineer after they bought the house, and the engineer was like "Bro, your whole house is falling down. Why didn't you get it inspected before you spent almost two million dollars?" DOY! This meant that if they were going to fulfill their dream of adding a fourth floor master suite to the house, they would have to rebuild half the original structure too! This was not in the budget for this man with a paper route and the Starbucks barista who loves him, or whatever their jobs are, we forget.
BUT YET THEY PERSISTED. Their original renovation budget was a meager $900,000, because obviously this season's hottest thing in 2700 square foot homes -- seriously, we're not even talking about that large of a home, because this is New York -- is replacing all the original floors with LITERAL DIAMONDS apparently. Obviously also the marble countertops above, those were a must. But because of the structural issues, they were now looking at a reno budget of $1.3 million, on top of the $1.7 million price tag for the house. Way to spend $3 million on a new house, Joe the guy who stocks the shelves at Walgreens and his wife who works at Kirkland's in the mall, you know, just for a little something to do when the children are at school.
But, you know, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, so they said to their interior designer, "Designer! We desire elegance and perfection!" And interior designer said, "You have been sharing your high school teacher riches with me in exchange for my brilliance for many years, surely we can make this townhouse great again!" So it was that after a couple years and more than a million dollars, including some of the most divine mid-century modern furniture finds you've ever heard of, this couple, he, a bar back at Chili's and she, the girl who waits until the end of his shift so they can go necking, have the house they always dreamed of.
It helps that their old place, which they bought for $1.4 million in 2004 when they were in their early 30s, sold for $2.35 million.
Now look, we are being silly, of course. Obviously this is a couple of financial means, and there could be any number of explanations for that. They have family money, in the form of trust funds or parents who put down the very large down payment on home number one, or paid cash for it, and may have also contributed to this latest investment! Mommy works for the cartel! Daddy invented Post-its and is living off the royalties! Maybe Mommy and Daddy are actually Russian spies in possession of one (1) Russian pee hooker tape starring Donald J. Trump, and are thus being paid beaucoups moneys by Trump idiot fixer Michael Cohen! Perhaps they are using Ivanka and Jared's credit cards to buy all their things, because if Javanka can carry hundreds of thousands in Visa balances every month, why can't these guys also carry hundreds of thousands on Javanka's credit cards? It's only fair.
All of these are valid explanations, and there is nothing wrong with being a wealthy couple who has the luxury of living in a multi-million dollar Brooklyn townhouse on Daddy's high school teacher salary alone. That's cool! More power to them! We are not that kind of liberal, after all.
But for the New York Times to (YET AGAIN) act like this is normal is ... well, it's why every time NYT publishes a real estate article or a wedding announcement, thousands of people on Twitter and hundreds of sassy news bloggers get ready to fuckin' pounce, because STFU, you dumb motherfuckers.
Of course, we will immediately change our tune if NYT would like to fund a story about "He's the senior editor of a dick joke blog. He ain't got no husband yet but he's got this dog. His budget is ONE GABILLION DOLLARS."
If NYT wants to make that happen, we take it all back. We think we'd like to live in Hell's Kitchen or SoHo or something like that. Chop chop!
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