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Totally normal high school teacher's kitchen. (Brad Dickson / New York Times)


Get ready, y'all, because the New York Times has another totally normal human interest real estate-hunting story for us to read, about a regular high school teacher and his regular stay-at-home wife, and their regular search for a multi-million dollar townhouse in Brooklyn. See up there? That is their kitchen. It is very similar to the kitchens of all high school teachers whose spouses don't work. (Full slideshow here!)

Yes, this is the story of Josh Lapidus and Tara Consi and their ugh so grueling search for the perfect move-up house in Brooklyn. Josh is 44, and he is a high school teacher. Tara, 45, doesn't work. So, if you're guessing they closed on their new place in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, in April 2013 for $1.7 million, you are right on target.

All these NYT real estate stories feature times of tribulation, times that remind the reader of the Biblical story of God testing Job's devotion, and this family is no different. They called an engineer after they bought the house, and the engineer was like "Bro, your whole house is falling down. Why didn't you get it inspected before you spent almost two million dollars?" DOY! This meant that if they were going to fulfill their dream of adding a fourth floor master suite to the house, they would have to rebuild half the original structure too! This was not in the budget for this man with a paper route and the Starbucks barista who loves him, or whatever their jobs are, we forget.

BUT YET THEY PERSISTED. Their original renovation budget was a meager $900,000, because obviously this season's hottest thing in 2700 square foot homes -- seriously, we're not even talking about that large of a home, because this is New York -- is replacing all the original floors with LITERAL DIAMONDS apparently. Obviously also the marble countertops above, those were a must. But because of the structural issues, they were now looking at a reno budget of $1.3 million, on top of the $1.7 million price tag for the house. Way to spend $3 million on a new house, Joe the guy who stocks the shelves at Walgreens and his wife who works at Kirkland's in the mall, you know, just for a little something to do when the children are at school.

But, you know, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, so they said to their interior designer, "Designer! We desire elegance and perfection!" And interior designer said, "You have been sharing your high school teacher riches with me in exchange for my brilliance for many years, surely we can make this townhouse great again!" So it was that after a couple years and more than a million dollars, including some of the most divine mid-century modern furniture finds you've ever heard of, this couple, he, a bar back at Chili's and she, the girl who waits until the end of his shift so they can go necking, have the house they always dreamed of.

It helps that their old place, which they bought for $1.4 million in 2004 when they were in their early 30s, sold for $2.35 million.

Now look, we are being silly, of course. Obviously this is a couple of financial means, and there could be any number of explanations for that. They have family money, in the form of trust funds or parents who put down the very large down payment on home number one, or paid cash for it, and may have also contributed to this latest investment! Mommy works for the cartel! Daddy invented Post-its and is living off the royalties! Maybe Mommy and Daddy are actually Russian spies in possession of one (1) Russian pee hooker tape starring Donald J. Trump, and are thus being paid beaucoups moneys by Trump idiot fixer Michael Cohen! Perhaps they are using Ivanka and Jared's credit cards to buy all their things, because if Javanka can carry hundreds of thousands in Visa balances every month, why can't these guys also carry hundreds of thousands on Javanka's credit cards? It's only fair.

All of these are valid explanations, and there is nothing wrong with being a wealthy couple who has the luxury of living in a multi-million dollar Brooklyn townhouse on Daddy's high school teacher salary alone. That's cool! More power to them! We are not that kind of liberal, after all.

But for the New York Times to (YET AGAIN) act like this is normal is ... well, it's why every time NYT publishes a real estate article or a wedding announcement, thousands of people on Twitter and hundreds of sassy news bloggers get ready to fuckin' pounce, because STFU, you dumb motherfuckers.

Of course, we will immediately change our tune if NYT would like to fund a story about "He's the senior editor of a dick joke blog. He ain't got no husband yet but he's got this dog. His budget is ONE GABILLION DOLLARS."

If NYT wants to make that happen, we take it all back. We think we'd like to live in Hell's Kitchen or SoHo or something like that. Chop chop!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries, so we NEVER DIE.

[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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