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Oh hello, Wonkers, and how is your holiday weekend going? Are you ZZZZZZZing like we are, or are you playing croquet with the king of Spain or something glamorous like that? Well take a break, because it's time for your late Sunday afternoon top ten post, which we specifically got off the couch to write for you. Many of your top stories are about that mean jailbird clerk lady Kim Davis, big surprise!

 

We must remind, you, though, to vote in the Wonkette primary. If you've already voted, that's okay, we're all Chicago-style up in here, VOTE AGAIN! If you don't remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the best. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy t-shirt you see above! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! If you are feeling aroused by Jim Webb, please see a doctor and go away from our mommyblog, right this second.

Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. Right now we are celebrating Labor Day, and do you know how hard your Wonkettes LABOR to churn out somewhere between 70 and eleventy million funny stories for you every single week? We labor very much! So please to give us $5, so we can keep laboring nice and good-like, and so we can pay our rent and our fluffers and whatever else we need. Wasn't that easy? Your moneys will be spent very wisely, perhaps even on trips on the WONKEBAGO, which we will be using to do "journalism" and also "drinky things." Don't you want those things? WELL BUY THEM FOR US, WITH YOUR MONEY.

This picture of Wonkette Baby is so cute we decided to give it a second week in the Top Ten post, and also we are too lazy to go to Becca's Facebook and steal a new one right now.

Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them the first time. Maybe you read Wonkette posts over and over again because you are obsessed with us and want to sexxx us.

1. Your number one story, by far, was NOT about Kim Davis. It was about Bristol Palin, and how she is the only idiot in all of Alaska who doesn't know that all Alaskans call that mountain "Denali." We were hoping her repugnant idiot mother might sit down and have a little talk with her.

2. And here's the report from the moment it all went down, when Kentucky clerk Kim Davis was hauled away to the slammer, for refusing to do her job.

3. Did you hear about all the REVELATIONS from the Hillary Clinton emails? Like the way John Boehner is drunk off his ass all the time, at any given moment?

4. After Kim Davis was put in jail, wingnuts reacted calmly and peacefully. Just kidding, they jizz-crapped their Pampers in RAGE.

5. Before Davis was forced to trade her lady jumper for an orange jumpsuit, things were already looking bad for her. Here's Wonk's report on how her 15 minutes of martyrdom are coming to an end.

6. Josh Duggar MAY be on the lam from sex rehab. Suspect is considered horny and gross, and you should probably hide your kids, hide your wife, etc.

7. Before Kim Davis took over the news cycle, it was all about how Obama had renamed Mt. McKinley to a yucky foreign name, "Denali," which just happens to be what the mountain was called all along. What a tyrant, that Obama!

8. Canada also thinks Scott Walker is A Idiot. Enough said.

9. Speaking of A Idiot, Rick Perry is even dumber than you thought. No, dumber. No, dumber than that. Seriously, dumber than you EVER THOUGHT.

10. And finally, your number ten story is one of our favorite things we ever wrote for this here mommyblog and recipe hub. When news came down that Kim Davis would go before the judge on Thursday, somewhere in the back of our mind, we said, "Wait didn't Jesus get sentenced on Thursday? And Kim Davis sure does want to be a martyr!" So we rewrote the trial of Jesus before the Sanhedrin and Pontius Pilate, KIM DAVIS-STYLE.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. Read them to your ficus or something!

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And the Flipboard! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette.

Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst,  @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are Bernie Sanders t-shirts and Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, because again, Wonkebagos are 'SPENSIVE.

 

Okay, going back to bed, so everybody please play nice and use your inside voices!

Love,

Wonket

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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