Hey Kids, Ben Shapiro Here To Talk About About 'Moisture State Of Your Own Vagina'

One might think Ben Shapiro would not ever have been interested in reminding us of that time he and his tight asshole angrily ranted about the "Wet Ass Pussy" song, so distraught that he asked his wife, a doctor, what kind of disease a woman with a "wet ass pussy" might have, and thus admitted something extremely funny and not entirely unexpected to the world.

It was so embarrassing.

But here we are.

Shapiro is mad because Beyoncé has announced she will change the words in the song "Heated" off her new album Renaissance, because she used the phrase "spazzin' on that ass," which is considered an ableist slur. Lizzo recently did the same thing, with the same word. And in the process of complaining about all of this, Ben said the words "moisture state of your own vagina," and we are all having flashbacks to Ben testifying about how ineffective he apparently is in the hetero sex department.

You see why everything about this story is a trigger for unfuckable white conservative dorks, though, yeah?

Black women? Check.

Women who own their sexuality, and sometimes sing about it, right there where unfuckable white conservative dorks can hear, even though their moms explicitly said they're not allowed to learn about sex? You betcha.

Black women who respond to people saying a lyric hurts marginalized people's feelings by ... changing the lyric, instead of huffing around about what snowflakes people are being? Indeed.

Now watch Ben Shapiro readthe lyrics to "Wet Ass Pussy" again a news story about Beyoncé as he practically spits through his outrage that she would remove these lyrics, while the makers of the Wet P-Word song wouldn't even change that whole song and make it about something that's dry and not a P-word.

Our favorite is the part where Ben can't even bother to learn to pronounce "Kelis" correctly. (It's part of the article, about how Beyoncé sampled "Milkshake.") When he refers to her song "Milkshake," he has the look of a man who has literally never heard it. He's certainly never been one of the boys in the yard, because he just Googled it and Kelis is saying raps about a Wet Ass Milkshake and that's icky.

Ben may have to ask his wife what is wrong with a lady's milkshake if it's bringing all the boys to the yard, is that some sort of disease?

He also mispronounces "Queen Bey." It's so comical, it's almost like he's making sure to say everything wrong, lest we think he has a secret life as a backup dancer for one of these temptresses.

These, Ben says, are the "standards in our society":

BEN: Using the word "spaz" in a song? Totally bad, horrible, remove it, offensive. Having full-scale songs

"Full-scale songs."

about the moisture state of your vagina,

"Moisture state of your vagina."

that is Shakespearean wonder.

"Shakespearean wonder."

It is, it's just the stuff you should play for your kids.

Does Ben think these songs were marketed exclusively, or mostly, to children? Does he think one of these songs may be the theme music for "Bluey"? Translated into Spanish on the regs on "Dora"?

We don't know, but we do know the boy needs to grow the fuck up and go outside and spend some time observing the outside world.

In summary and in conclusion, new Shapiro-approved lyrics for the "WAP" song:

Yeah, you fuckin' with some moisture state of your own vagina.

Bring a bucket and a mop for moisture state of your own vagina.

Give me everything you got for this moisture state of your own vagina.

The end.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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