Hey, Remember That Time Obama Busted Up In 'The Celebrity Apprentice' To Murder Bin Laden Right In Trump's Face?
May we tell you a story you might already know but forgot because ur dumb? Thank you, because we think it's pertinent all the time in the Trump era, but we think it's real darn pertinent this week, as Donald Trump lashes out at John Brennan and other retired and active members of the law enforcement and intelligence communities. The people on Trump's enemies list have a couple things in common. For one, Trump admits he took Brennan's clearance because of THIS RUSH-UR THING, WITH TRUMP AND RUSH-UR. Most of the rest of Trump's enemies list of people he's threatening to remove/deny clearances from (which now includes active Justice Department employee Bruce Ohr) have been at least somewhere near the Russia investigation. So yeah, it's an enemies list, but it's also a witnesses list. Oh, and Trump perceives them all as OBAMA PEOPLE, though that's only technically true for some of them.
Several people on the enemies list -- both the enemies list Sarah Huckabee Sanders recited on Wednesday and the unofficial enemies list we can divine by reading President Dipshit's Twitter too often -- are in that picture you see above. John Brennan (REVOKED!); James Clapper (THREATENED!); Hillary Clinton (CROOKED LYING LOCK HER UP!); and of course, the man who is furthest under Trump's skin of all, the 44th president of the United States of America, Barack Obama, whose very existence daily threatens the president's fragile sense of self. Obama's wins were bigger than Trump's tiny win. Obama's hands are bigger than Trump's tiny hands. People love Obama. People think Obama is a badass. People want to have sex with Obama, without even being paid for it!
Obama and a whole team of people, including the Navy SEALs who actually carried out the raid, motherfuckin' killed Osama bin Laden at around 1:00 AM local time in Pakistan on May 2, 2011. And so did Hillary Clinton and John Brennan and James Clapper, and oh yeah, this one other guy, retired Admiral William McRaven, who wrote in the Washington Post on Thursday about what a piece of shit Trump is.
On April 30, 2011, back in Washington DC, it was the night of the White House Correspondents Dinner. The Bin Laden mission had begun on the other side of the world where it was already May 1. And that night, Barack Obama, wearing a sexxxxy tuxedo, laughed and laughed at Donald Trump, with the sort of chill that only comes from being Barack Fucking Obama, and being fully aware that right at that very moment, you're about to literally kill bin Laden.
The jokes Obama told that night -- about how the most important decision Trump had faced recently was firing Gary Busey, for example -- are even funnier knowing the mission he had just ordered.
Trump was sort of there as a joke -- a joke he wasn't in on, mind you. Dude was literally on a senile racist bullshit crusade to prove Barry Bamz McSexxxy wasn't born in the United States. Quite simply, Trump was the laughingstock of the country (still is, LOL popular vote loser) and he was the laughingstock of that night. Some say the butthurt he experienced over being so thoroughly flayed by Obama that night planted the seeds of his ultimate run for president. Trump's behavior as president does little to disabuse us of that notion. (It's not the whole story, though. Trump was being groomed to run for president, likely by Russia, for a long ass time. It may have started as far back as 1987!)
Everybody remembers that night. They also remember the moment the very next night, May 1, 2011, when word went out that HARK! NEWS COMETH VERY SHORTLY! Quickly we learned that the news in question was that Barack Obama was gonna walk right onto the TV with his sexxxy man body and say "Bin Laden? More like BEEN Laden! GET IT GET IT GET IT?" (Always with the Dad Jokes, that one.)
The news pre-empted network programming way early. And what did NBC pre-empt, at least on the east and west coasts? That's right, it was the fucking "Celebrity Apprentice." Of course, the networks cut in about an hour before Barry Bamz even spoke softly and showed us his big stick, so what actually pre-empted Trump's second-rate reality show was 25 minutes of news people talking about how America just killed Bin Laden dead, on orders from Obama -- orders Trump wouldn't even know how to spell.
Trump was gracious the next day, in a tweet probably written by Ivanka:
But it wasn't long before Trump changed his tune, to try to take away Barack Obama's glory:
Of course, fast forward to the present, and we are just waiting for Trump to attack Admiral McRaven, after what he wrote about Trump in WaPo. You know it's coming.
Trump's entire presidency is predicated on stickin' it in Obama's eye and dismantling Obama's legacy, because Trump is a weak and sad loser of a man. Now, we're not saying we're retelling this story because we think this is the real reason why Trump has been doing what he's been doing this week. We are merely saying it's good to see this week in context of the whole Trump presidency. Also we are being dicks, and we like making fun of Trump for being a failure.
We see you, Trump. We see you literally crawling out of your skin right now, lashing out like a toddler with shit in its diaper.
And we are hatin'.
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