See that above? That is a "tweet" from Newt Gingrich, who is most famous for being married to President Trump's new ambassador to the Vatican, Callista Gingrich. Mr. Gingrich is very upset that Robert Mueller, the recently appointed special counsel, is reportedly leading investigations into 1) the Trump campaign's secret meetings with Russia; 2) Jared Kushner's Russian shoe phone; and 3) scammy scammy oxenfree ties between Russian mobsters and/or oligarchs and every single person Donald Trump has ever met.

But DID YOU KNOW that many decades ago, Newt Gingrich was more famous for other things than "being Callista Gingrich's husband"? Well, sort of: He was mostly famous for marrying Callista Gingrich after serving his previous wife with divorce papers while she lay in a hospital bed having some cancers. And for doing dirty sex things with Callista while being married to said previous wife even though he had led the impeachment of Bill Clinton for doing dirty sex things with a woman who was not Hillary Clinton, all at the same time!

Wait, impeachment? Perhaps we should take a moment to remember what THAT was about!

In 1977, Bill and Hillary Clinton did a land deal called "Whitewater" with their friends Jim and Susan McDougal. All four of them lost money on the project, and Jim McDougal tried to get some shady financing and failed, and eventually his S&L went belly-up.

Seventeen years later, in 1994, after Bill Clinton was already president of the US and A, his Attorney General Janet Reno appointed a special prosecutor to examine whether Bill Clinton was a big ol' crook who had pressured a bank to make a loan to McDougal. That special prosecutor, Robert Fiske, was replaced a few months later by Ken Starr, because having a special prosecutor appointed by Clinton's AG was "a conflict of interest." In 1995, Bill Clinton got his knob polished by a young lady named Monica Lewinsky. Ken Starr never filed charges against Clinton regarding Whitewater, he said, because he wasn't sure the government's witnesses weren't a bunch of paid-off perjurers. But having found no evidence for charges in Whitewater, he DID file charges about the knob-polishing, in 1998.

At the same time, Starr exonerated the Clintons of "Travelgate," which was when Hillary Clinton fired a White House travel agent who was embezzling, leading to FIVE INVESTIGATIONS over FIVE YEARS. Oh, but he waited until after the midterms to do so.

Who was Speaker of the House during those 1998 midterms? It was Newt Gingrich! So we guess he was famous for that too. Who merrily led the impeachment of Bill Clinton for extramarital dick-suckings, the investigation of which commenced in an investigation of a failed land deal 17 years prior? It was Newtie! Who is now complaining that it is NOT NICE to broaden an investigation from one thing (possible collusion with a foreign power in our sovereign election) into a WHOLLY RELATED thing (attempting, badly, to cover up possible collusion with a foreign power in our sovereign election), which is a wholly related thing that in our recent history has caused a president to have to quite famously resign? We think you know the answer! It is Newt!

Oh, wait, what is this breaking news?

Fuck this guy, that's all I got.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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