Hey Ted Cruz, Why Don't You Shove Your Joe Biden 'Jokes' Right Up Your Bible Hole?
You know, Vice President Joe Biden. You know the nice thing? You don't need a punchline. I promise you it works. The next party you're at, just walk up to someone, say "Vice President Joe Biden," and just close your mouth. They will crack up laughing!
And the audience did crack up laughing, and applauded too, because Joe Biden, get it? Ha ha ha!
But Cruz wasn't done riffing because apparently nothing raises presidential campaign cash like making fun of Old Handsome Joe. Ka-ching! So Cruz spent another minute mocking that liberal dummy, who would only defend his home by shooting warning shots from a shotgun into the air and maybe killing some geese instead of shooting bullets into a home intruder and killing a person. What a dumb liberal, ha ha, money please!
After the Canadian comedian finished his stand-up routine, he was asked by reporter Chad Livengood to comment on the vice president losing his son, and Cruz made his most solemn face and said in his most solemn tone:
Heartbreaking and tragic, and our prayers are very much with Vice President Biden, with Jill. It's a tragedy no one should have to endure.
Livengood then asked, "Why'd you tell a joke about the vice president tonight?" And Cruz explained by saying nothing and walking away, what a courageous guy. Cruz had either forgotten he was SOOOOOO busy praying for the vice president in his time of unspeakable grief, or maybe his joke writers thought, "Ya know, sure, Beau Biden's funeral isn't until this weekend, but these jokes are just TOO GOOD to wait."
Those well-timed humdingers worked great in a crowd of Republicans, big surprise, but not so great with the internet. So after Cruz was shamed a million times for being unable to wait until the vice president had buried his son, to start up with those classic Biden digs, Cruz said he was real sorry 'bout that:
What a shame Cruz had forgotten just how bad he felt for the Bidens -- Cruz is a father too, so we'd expect he might be able to imagine how painful it would be to lose a child, if Cruz were made of human parts -- but at least he damage-controlled that unfortunate error in judgment, so it's all better now. In fact, let's all praise Ted Cruz for doing the right thing. "Good on him," wrote reporter Janell Ross at the Washington Post. Yeah, takes a real big man -- who talks incessantly about his faith, which we've heard is about kindness and compassion, but maybe we're wrong about that -- to recycle a joke, about a man who is grieving his son who just died, and then say "Oops, sorry about that. My bad."
Is Biden supposed to take an intermission from grieving the worst kind of loss, again, to thank Ted Cruz for being so gracious about being such a dick? Is that the appropriate Washington protocol here? Should he spend even one second thinking about Cruz and discussing whether he should accept Cruz's apology or maybe just be allowed to grieve his dead son in peace and quiet?
Maybe Ted Cruz should not be forgiven. Maybe, instead of offering his prayers, he should try harder to not be a dick. Maybe he should take a break to think long and hard about what kind of soulless evil bastard he is. And then, just maybe, Ted Cruz should take his apology, shove it up any orifice of his choice, and fuck all the way off forever, because he is very bad "Christian" and a very bad "human being." Yes, pretty sure that would be the right thing to do.