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Have you seen the "Not Broidy" story trending on internet dot com? Over at New York Magazine, Paul Campos has a VERY GOOD THEORY that the $1.6 million payout, arranged by Trump idiot Michael Cohen, that went to Playboy model Shera Bechard, supposedly as hush money over an affair and pregnancy (and eventual abortion) between Bechard and shady-ass Republican fundraiser/defense contractor Elliott Broidy -- who has been caught up in the United Arab Emirates/Qatar/Saudi Arabia side of the Robert Mueller probe, and who is also involved in the weirdest Malaysian money laundering story that includes the financing of the movie The Wolf Of Wall Street we have EVER HEARD -- was actually a payoff for Bechard's silence about that time DONALD TRUMP had an affair with her and made her pregnant (and then she eventually had an abortion).


WHOA IF TRUE, RIGHT?

Campos's theory is honestly really good and you should read it in its entirety. Among things that Campos notes: The alleged Broidy/Bechard agreement was basically the same NDA, between "David Dennison" and "Peggy Peterson," as the NDA between Trump and Stormy Daniels, because Michael Cohen just has one million copies of that NDA lying around his office. Bechard's lawyer was the same guy, Keith Davidson, who somehow has ended up representing just about everybody who's gotten their loins tangled with Trump's, and who may have done a wee spot of collusion a time or three with Cohen in organizing these payoffs, and who is reportedly cooperating with the feds.

Let's give you a bit of the Campos hypothesis, which he makes clear is just wild speculation at this point, albeit wild speculation that makes more sense than what we've been told thus far:

At this point Cohen needed to find a funding source. Cohen asserts he took out a home equity loan to come up with a mere $130,000 to pay off Stormy Daniels, so it seems clear he couldn’t have fronted the $1.6 million for the Bechard deal himself. So Cohen reached out to Elliott Broidy, a very rich Republican fundraiser with several pending and highly lucrative business deals with foreign governments: deals that hinged on whether Broidy could convince the U.S. government to take various actions. By stepping up to take responsibility for the affair and to fund the seven-figure settlement, Broidy was ensuring that he could continue to peddle his influence with Trump to governments around the world. Which is to say, it was a cover-up concealing a bribe.

So, according to this hypothesis, when Cohen’s office was raided by federal prosecutors, they found documentation of what was actually a fabricated affair, concocted by Cohen and Davidson to create a justification for funneling Broidy’s money to Bechard, while creating a paper record designed to protect Trump from further exposure.

In this scenario, the feds were probably BEYOND THEIR WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS successful when they decided to play "Knock knock motherfucker!" with Michael Cohen.

Campos is also curious why, if Keith Davidson was representing Shera Bechard, he would have contacted Michael Cohen, who was not Elliott Broidy's lawyer in any way, shape or form at that point. (He sure was Trump's, though!) Moreover, why in hell would Broidy, a very rich man who knows the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer, want to hire America's worst lawyer, who graduated from America's worst law school? The answer is HE WOULDN'T.

Campos notes that Stormy Daniels's hot lawyer Michael Avenatti has hinted that maybe the real client here wasn't Elliott Broidy. Campos paints a picture of the differences between Trump and Broidy, namely that Trump is a big 'ho known for putting his yucky orange minnow penis in Playboy models without rubbers, whereas Broidy is scum in the bribery and sketchy international defense contractor way, but his marriage seems pretty darn normal. His wife Robin Rosenzweig, a bigwig lawyer who used to be with 20th Century Fox, and who, as Campos puts it, has been "involved in some of Broidy’s more questionable business dealings," is clearly in the game here, but they've been married since forever.

We have neither time nor energy to expound on all Broidy's crazy weird business dealings or the myriad ways Broidy might have wanted to bribe/make millions, pardon me, meant BILLIONS, off of influence-peddling with Trump, but Campos does, and we encourage you again to read his whole thing. Suffice it to say, the motivation could have been there for Broidy to essentially bribe Trump by paying off his pregnant mistress to the tune of $1.6 million, in exchange for other favors.

Regardless, we are well and truly convinced that something is fucked up about what's been reported about this. Whether or not Campos hit the nail on the head is another matter.

So this leaves us with just a couple questions, a little bit of healthy skepticism to go with Campos's wild speculation:

FIRST OF ALL ...

REALLY? You are telling us that Robin Rosenzweig, wife of Elliott Broidy, was cool with him taking the fall for a big Trump sexxx affair with a Playboy lady, if doing so would protect the president, and in so doing, protect all the GABILLIONS of dollars they stood to make off the Trump presidency? Whoa if true, but that would be some shit right there!

What do the Broidys' Bel Air neighbors think? Do the women at the Whole Foods say "Oh, Robin, we are sorry about your little situation," and does Robin say, "Oh yes, we are going through a time right now, but we'll somehow find our way through," right before she goes to the Bentley store and drowns her "sorrows" by buying several Bentleys, because this was all part of the plan?

AND ANOTHER THING!

The reporting on this alleged affair seems to put it in 2016 and 2017 -- the payoff agreement was made "in late 2017," according to the Wall Street Journal, and if we are reading this correctly, Bechard would have been pregnant when the payoff was made. WSJ says the relationship involved "Broidy" paying Bechard actual dollars for "an exclusive sexual relationship that lasted one to two years." This means that, if it were not Broidy but rather Trump, and if our math-ing is correct, THE BAREBACK BONE ZONING WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE, at least some of it! Specifically, it would have been coming from the White House residence, during commercial breaks on "Fox & Friends," and during whatever that really boring loser hour of Fox News is called, before "Hannity" comes on. (It is called Laura Ingraham.) This likely would have included the time period before Melania Trump moved into the White House.

Also, coincidentally, this lines up nicely with that thing Michael Wolff said earlier this year when Fire & Fury came out, that Trump was having an affair RIGHT THEN, which would suggest it was happening while Wolff had access to the West Wing. So the question here is how many people knew about it? Because this White House leaks every time Trump takes a whiz, and it's remarkable to think they would have been able to keep the circle small enough on Trump having an affair in the White House -- or even just at Mar-a-Lago every single weekend, awwwww, how sad, Trump only got to see his girlfriend once a week, ALLEGEDLY -- without it getting out.

ON THE OTHER HAND, if there was one damn thing these dumb motherfuckers had a plan for upon moving to the White House, we wouldn't be surprised to learn it was about how to deliver the pussy to Trump without anybody knowing, especially if the one person who knew was Trump's longtime bodyguard Keith Schiller.

(Schiller left the White House in September of 2017, by the way. Maybe he took Shera Bechard with him, and then she was pregnant and then there was a $1.6 million payoff OMG WHOA IF TRUE WHAT ARE WE EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW?)

And that's about the time Trump really lost the script on his presidency, as if there ever had been a script. But when his boy Keith left? That's when the bugfuck REALLY started.

So we are left with the original question in our headline: YOU BEEN FUCKIN', TRUMP? And also another question: When was the last time you got a lady pragnet, Mister President? Was it late last year? HMMMMMMMMMMM.

Americans cannot wait to find out!

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[New York Magazine]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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