Hillary Clinton And Sid Blumenthal Did Benghazi, For LOLs. Your Weekly Top Ten
Oh look, it is the Wonkette baby and her daddy. And she is in Las Vegas to see you RIGHT NOW! Click for details.
Well hello there, Wonkers. It's Sunday afternoon, and we have been sleeping this whole weekend because we spent ALL THURSDAY AND FRIDAY, SO MANY HOURS OMG, chronicling the shitshow that was the Benghazi hearings. Did Hillary come out on top? Ayup. Is watching people like Megyn Kelly lose their everloving shit about it, trying to make up new reasons to be mad, fucking hilarious? Ayup again! And surprise, most of yr Top Ten posts of the week ARE about that. BENGHAZI!!!!!11!!!111!
First, though, we will do housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, which involves buying the t-shirt of the Democratic candidate of your choice! If you love Hillary (and really, everybody does right now, at least for a minute), then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn't that easy? Look below, it is the Hillary shirt!
Editrix Rebecca assures everyone that we STILL HAVE HILLARY SHIRTS LEFT, even though we've sold about eight million since Thursday night (thanks, Trey Gowdy!). Look, here she is in Las Vegas (site of today's WONKETTE MEETUP!) putting t-shirts in packages to send out to you, the Wonkers. She is wearing a robe and standing next to the Wonkebago, and she told us to post this picture:
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Wonkette baby mysteriously being adorable right after the donations paragraph, she ALWAYS does that. Oh look, it's another donations link too, weird!
Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them with all your internet pals!
1. So, in the Benghazi hearings? There was this Alabama rep named Martha Roby? And she was there representing her sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma, and she just is pretty sure? The smoking gun that shows Hillary did Benghazi and also didn't know about Benghazi is on Tab 31? Tab 31! Why is everybody laughing?
2. Before Roby got to her questioning, long before, it was clear Hillary had already won the day and the Republicans on the committee had made a huge mistake.
3. This is KIND OF a Benghazi story, because Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are off at Diddle Camp for Christian Marrieds, doing Sex Benghazi to each other's bathing suit areas.
4. What did the Benghazi hearing teach us? Republicans are dicks, and Hillary is already president, basically.
5. Dana Perino is SO SAD George W. Bush has been accused of being president on 9/11. As if! anyway, Dubya is Dana's pretend boyfriend, and you are mean.
6. Back to the Benghazi hearings: Georgia yokel Rep. Lynn Westmoreland was just real worried Hillary might not be able to understand the slow ramblings of an uneducated Southern hick such as himself, stuck as he is with a throat full of Georgia peaches and squirrel dicks.
7. Dumb racists deploy wrong ethnic stereotype against mayoral candidate, because racists are quite stupid, 100% of the time.
8. That same Alabama GOP Benghazi congresslady? Just wants to know? If Hillary was home alone THE WHOLE NIGHT during Benghazi? Why are you laughing? It's not funny.
9. Last week's Sundays With The Christianists: Let's read some terrible pro-abstinence comics together!
10. And finally, watch Rachel Maddow torture Benghazi confession out of Hillary Clinton. Sometimes you gotta send a lesbian in to do Trey Gowdy's work, after all.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
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Okay, we're going to brunch now, or maybe to nap again, who can tell ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.