Hillary Clinton Has Brain Pneumonia, Trump Demands To Be Sworn In Immediately

So it looks like Hillary Clinton has pneumonia, which means she can't be president and must not only drop out of the race immediately, but probably give up her U.S. citizenship and report immediately to either the nearest ice floe, or perhaps to Carousel. Has anyone checked her palm flower? Clearly, we can't have a president who gets sick, as the Constitution specifies in Article Hoccccch, Section Ptooey.

Clinton appeared to faint briefly -- or maybe it was seizures! The kind you get from dehydration! -- Sunday after leaving a 9/11 ceremony in New York and had to be helped into a van by Secret Service agents. After resting for about 90 minutes at her daughter Chelsea's apartment, she left, smiled, posed for a photo with a little girl, and was Clintonesquely non-responsive to reporters asking her what had happened, saying only "I’m feeling great" and "It's a beautiful day in New York." See? the brain fever has taken her so badly she can't even answer straightforward questions about her impending complete health breakdown. Sunday afternoon, her physician, Dr. Lisa R. Bardack, released a brief statement describing Clinton, who obviously has an assortment of diseases ranging from Parkinson's to dropsy, as "rehydrated and recovering nicely."

“Secretary Clinton has been experiencing a cough related to allergies,” Dr. Bardack’s statement said, adding that on Friday morning, after a prolonged cough, Mrs. Clinton was given a diagnosis of pneumonia.

“She was put on antibiotics, and advised to rest and modify her schedule,” Dr. Bardack added. “At this morning’s event, she became overheated and dehydrated.”

Dr. Bardack did not indicate what sort of pneumonia Mrs. Clinton had or elaborate on the nature of the examination last week, whether Mrs. Clinton had a fever today, or a host of other issues that could offer more precise insights about her condition.

Clinton also cancelled a planned two-day fundraising trip to California that had been set for Monday, because she is the sort of person who eventually listens to her doctor, but only eventually. As Bloomberg politics reporter Jennifer Epstein noted, Clinton hadn't exactly been taking it easy the day she received the diagnosis:

In subsequent tweets, Epstein added she thought the diagnosis was serious enough that the campaign shouldn't have waited so long to disclose Clinton's illness, and quoted Bill Clinton in 1996, "The public has a right to know the condition of the President's health." Yeah, but Hillz isn't president yet, now is she? And until she is, it's the lamestream media's duty to cover up the fact that she's DYING.

The Wingnuttosphere isn't buying any of this obvious flimflam, since Clinton is clearly at death's door, and the entire Democratic party is in a panic:

The New York Times, ever the lying dishonest shill for the establishment, tried to claim that pneumonia is something people survive fairly regularly, even 68-year-old women who have used private email servers. If this were really the case, however, why would so many of our mothers have insisted we get out of our wet clothes before we catch our death of it, huh?

As if Sunday's Clinton health drama weren't overblown enough already, PharmaDouche Martin Shkreli made a point of showing up outside Chelsea Clinton's apartment in time to yell at Clinton, because that's the kind of guy he is. He shouted "Do you need pharma bro's help?" "Why are you so sick?" and "Go Trump" at her, because there was apparently some danger of the incident not being surreal enough. Yes, of course he posted video of it:

At least one sharp-eyed YouTube commenter exclaimed, "That's not her -- it's a body double. Look at the hips and legs." And yes, #HillarysBodyDouble was trending on Twitter Monday morning. What a fascinating world we live in.

Shkreli even tweeted a cheerful self-satisfied "get well soon bae" to the former secretary of state.

As of press time, it was unclear exactly how much money Shkreli plans to demand to just go away.

Sunday's incident has led to calls for Clinton to release her health records; if she does, they will immediately be declared fake.

Yr Wonkette wishes Ms. Clinton a speedy recovery and an upgrade to Rockin' pneumonia:

[NYT / NYT / The Hill / record recommendation by Wonkette Operative "Seeking Barbie"]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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