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Did you hear the very important Hillary Clinton news? No, not that she was shooting the shit on a podcast and said "What's up with that Russian asset dickhead named YOU KNOW WHO" and Tulsi Gabbard spent the next four days going on Tucker Carlson and shouting, "Я не русский актив!!!1!!!1!! Нет! Нет! Хиллари Клинтон - гибель наций! Теперь ясно, что это соревнование между вами и мной! Мы будем дуэли за гимназией!" (Or whatever she was yelling, we didn't watch Gabbard's dumb videos.)

No, the actual important news is that our long national nightmare is over, the State Department has finished its investigation of Hillary's damn emails, and just like the FBI and everybody else with a sentient bone in their body for the past three years, has determined there's no there there.


A multiyear State Department probe of emails that were sent to former secretary of state Hillary Clinton's private computer server concluded there was no systemic or deliberate mishandling of classified information by department employees, according to a report submitted to Congress this month.

The report appears to represent a final and anticlimactic chapter in a controversy that overshadowed the 2016 presidential campaign and exposed Clinton to fierce criticism that she later cited as a major factor in her loss to President Trump. [...]

Overall, investigators said, "there was no persuasive evidence of systemic, deliberate mishandling of classified information." The report cited "instances of classified information being inappropriately" transmitted, but noted that the vast majority of those scrutinized "were aware of security policies and did their best to implement them."

Orange Crapdaddy in the White House gonna be MAAAAAAAAD. Of course, this is obviously the work of the Deep State, except for how it is the work of Mike Pompeo's State Department.

Anyway, let's review! In summer of 2016, then-FBI Director James Comey gave a hundred-hour monologue on why he agrees that Hillary Clinton is VERY BAD, but "no reasonable prosecutor" would bring charges in the Clinton email matter. In October 2016, the FBI found a few stray Bed Bath & Beyond coupons on Anthony Weiner's laptop that had been emailed to Clinton, so obviously Comey derailed the entire presidential race 11 DAYS BEFORE ELECTION DAY so the FBI could investigate the "new" Clinton emails, because surely these were the smoking gun Rudy Giuliani had been promising. They weren't, but that stunt sure did help Russia shoehorn Trump into the White House!

Donald Trump, the criminal who is now the illegitimate president, seized on this non-issue throughout the campaign (and beyond!) in order to deflect attention from his literal hundreds of scandals and crimes, to the ridiculous degree that allegedly reasonable people who support him actually think Clinton should be in prison for "emails." Trump called it "bigger than Watergate" all the damn time during the campaign, which is pretty cute considering the current status of his presidency. Michael Flynn led "LOCK HER UP!" chants at the Republican National Convention, which is pretty funny considering how he's currently awaiting sentencing for lying to the FBI about his contacts with the Russians and has pleaded to being a literal actual foreign agent. That's even more hilarious when you remember that the main accusation of the Hillary emails non-troversy was that she somehow mishandled classified information. Uh huh. Yep.

And let's not forget the role the media played here. Many have sinned, but none fell short as embarrassingly as the New York Times, which treated every story in 2015 and 2016 with "Clinton" in the headline as the end of the fucking world, even while often admitting in the 19th paragraph or so that the story was bullshit. As Rachel Maddow noted last night, this happened against the backdrop of an election where one candidate -- you know, the one who's now squatting in the White House waiting for impeachment -- was literally a "walking crime wave," but the Times and others were just pretty sure they weren't doing real journalism if they didn't constantly scream BOTHSIDES! BOTHSIDES! BOTHSIDESDOIT!!!!!1!

Maddow's team made a graphic:

And because that graphic wasn't big enough, the Maddow team made another graphic:

Yeah.

Pop quiz, what page do you think the Times's coverage of the end of the investigation ran on this weekend? If you guessed, "in the recipe section, with egg all over its face," you are close, but actually it was just on A16. You know, way far into the newspaper where articles go to die.

Don't worry, though, the Times editorial board published a thing yesterday to put this all in context, in case you want the Times to explain you how to interpret this news about how the thing the Times spent years jerking off about in public was actually not a thing.

Don't read it. The lack of self-awareness and contrition, and the absence of any sort of reflection on how to do better next time, which is actually right now, NEXT TIME IS RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS, ARE YOU GOING TO SERIOUSLY WRITE WITH STRAIGHT FACES ABOUT HOW DONALD MOTHERFUCKING TRUMP IS JUST CONCERNED ABOUT "CORRUPTION" IN UKRAINE, THEREFORE WE SHOULD PROBABLY SPEND A LOT OF TIME WRITING ABOUT WHAT JOE BIDEN DID NOT ACTUALLY DO IN UKRAINE, KEN VOGEL, SHOULD WE DO THAT RIGHT NOW AFDSJK;LJKASJDF;KLJI;UJ1IU4IUFJKAJD;SJFKJADSFKAJDSFJ ...

Just don't read it.

Here is one journalist saying he's sorry. Surprise, it is not a Times journalist.

They're all going to fuck up 2020 too. Get ready.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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