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Last night.


Let's bask in the kill shot that was Hillary Clinton's peformance in the third and final presidential debate some more, shall we? We already told you about how, overall, she beated his ass. We shared you some amazing, ball-busting moments, like when Trump called her "such a nasty woman!" and "no, you're the puppet!" and also the times in the debate when Hillz recited somber litanies about what a sore loser dick-goblin her opponent Donald Trump really is.

Another phenomenal moment in the debate was the entire lead-up to Trump ejaculating onto the stage that Hillary Clinton is the REAL puppet. Fox News dingus Chris Wallace was bothering Hillary about some SHOCKING!!!!! thing from WikiLeaks, where she said in a speech one time that she dreams of "a hemispheric common market with open trade and open borders." Maybe someday, dream lady! But Hillz R. Clintonista had a fucking point to make about WikiLeaks, and here was her opening to deliver some #schooling to the American people, and also to punch Donald Trump in the balls repeatedly for sucking up to Russia because he thinks they like him:

CLINTON: What is really important about WikiLeaks is that the Russian government has engaged in espionage against Americans. They have hacked American websites, American accounts of private people, of institutions. Then they have given that information to WikiLeaks for the purpose of putting it on the internet. This has come from the highest levels of the Russian government. Clearly from Putin himself in an effort, as 17 of our intelligence agencies have confirmed, to influence our election.

So what she wanted to know was ...

... [W]ill Donald Trump admit and condemn that the Russians are doing this, and make it clear that he will not have the help of Putin in this election. That he rejects Russian espionage against Americans, which he actually encouraged in the past. Those are the questions we need answered. We've never had anything like this happen in any of our elections before.

Trump was like "HAW HAW that lady pivoted away from open borders like a common pivoter!" Hillary gave him an "Eat swamp turds" look and let him dig his hole:

TRUMP: Now we can talk about Putin. I don't know Putin.

Remember that time Trump bragged about how he got super close and sexxxy with Putin when they both appeared on "60 Minutes"? Was he lying? UNPOSSIBLE!

He said nice things about me.

Nope.

If we got along well, that would be good. If Russia and the United States got along well and went after ISIS, that would be good. He has no respect for her. He has no respect for our president. And I'll tell you what. We're in very serious trouble. Because we have a country with tremendous numbers of nuclear warheads, 1,800, by the way. Where they expanded and we didn't. 1,800 nuclear warheads. And she is playing chicken.

And that's when Hillz noted that Putin "likes" Trump because he wants a flaccid puppet in the Oval Office, to which Trump, in a very tough guy way, replied, "No puppet. You're the puppet!" Let's watch that Vine again, for funsies:

NO PUPPET!

Hillz was not done, though. She wanted to know if Donald Trump is a real fucking American with an ounce of patriotism in his greasy orange pinky finger, who actually is willing to condemn any nation, including his beloved Mother Russia, for hacking into our American electoral process, or if he just wants to be Putin's bitch:

It is pretty clear you won't admit that the Russians have engaged in cyber attacks against the United States of America. That you encouraged espionage against our people. That you are willing to spout the Putin line, sign up for his wish list, break up NATO, do whatever he wants to do. And that you continue to get help from him because he has a very clear favorite in this race. So I think that this is such an unprecedented situation. We've never had a foreign government trying to interfere in our election. We have 17, 17 intelligence agencies, civilian and military, who have all concluded that these espionage attacks, these cyber attacks, come from the highest levels of the Kremlin. And they are designed to influence our election. I find that deeply disturbing.

And then Trump said once again that "she has no idea whether it is Russia, China or anybody else" and "our country has no idea" and "yeah, I doubt it, I doubt it," at which point Hillary was pretty much ready to chop off his hooves and sell them for glue, because WHO THE HELL DOES NOT UNDERSTAND that all relevant American intelligence says Russia is doing this, the president has publicly accused them of doing it, and why the hell would Trump pretend otherwise unless his allegiance isn't really to America, but to a two-bit dictator who, in Trump's tiny delusional brain, called him "brilliant."

Chris Wallace fact-checked Trump on how everybody agrees Russia is behind the hacks and asked Trump if he condemns it, and Trump halfheartedly said "of course I condemn" such incursions from Russia or anybody else, but nobody believed him, because Donald Trump is a sad and weak liar.

After that, Hillary beated Trump up on how he wants all the countries to get all the nukes they could possibly want, and then she beated him up on another thing, and then on another thing, and now she is president of America, the end.

[debate transcript via Politico]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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