Hillary Clinton's Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton's emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself???

Meh. But there are things about Benghazi, namely that the Clintons' weird, longtime secret aide Sidney Blumenthal sent her a lot of emails about it, and then Hillz forwarded them to people without saying "hey, here is a note from the Clintons' secret pal Sidney Blumenthal":

From 2011 to 2012, Sidney Blumenthal, a longtime friend and confidant who was a senior adviser to Mrs. Clinton during her 2008 presidential campaign, sent her at least 25 memos about Libya, including several about the Benghazi attacks. Mrs. Clinton forwarded most of them to Jake Sullivan, her trusted foreign policy adviser. Mr. Sullivan would then send the memos along to other senior State Department officials, asking for their feedback. There is no evidence those officials were told that the memos were from Mr. Blumenthal.

Of course, an HRC spox says Blumenthal wasn't actually working for the government at the time, but SHUT UP, everybody deserves a secret insider national security friend, and Sidney Blumenthal is Hillary's. According to the New York Times, Blumenthal sent Hillary a lovenote right after Benghazi happened, saying that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was killed by protesters who were mad about that dumb YouTube video, "The Innocence Of Muslims," and it turns out that the video did indeed play a role in the attacks.

Blumenthal also told Clinton that wingnuts JUST MIGHT use the Benghazi attacks to attack her, and the president, portraying them as "weak on terrorism," and that also happened, so gross Sidney Blumenthal is looking like a goddamned prophet at this point.

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So what other juicy juiceboxes of Clinton sin can we find in the emails? Well, there was a special section marked "SBU" ("sensitive but unclassifed") which had, if you hadn't guessed, sensitive but unclassified information, like where State Department officials were in Libya, et cetera. We're guessing this was right next to her "LOL" folder, which was all cat videos, but the Times didn't do the journalism necessary to report THAT.

And of course, the rest of it was probably a dedicated folder for Clinton to store all the emails where people told her how sexy she was looking that day:

In March 2011, Mrs. Clinton received an email from Ann-Marie Slaughter, the director of policy planning for the State Department, who was leaving her position.

“Gorgeous pic on the front page of the NYT!” Ms. Slaughter said, referring to a photo of Mrs. Clinton. “One for the wall...” Ms. Slaughter then moved on to more serious matters, including her opposition to arming the rebels in Libya.

Thanks, Ann-Marie! Oh, that old dress? Then they jumped right back into the grueling work of personally doing Benghazi and the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail. You know, just typical Sec. State stuff.

[New York Times / New York Times also, too]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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