Hobby Lobby CEO Says Marco Rubio's Huge Penis Much Classier Than Trump's Little Nub
REPUBLICAN PRIMARY OVER, EVERYONE. Hobby Lobby CEO and Jesus-loving abortion hater David Green has issued a proclamation from upon high about which Republican candidate he loves the mostest, and surprise, it's Not Donald Trump:
Two days ahead of his state's primary on Super Tuesday, Hobby Lobby founder and CEO David Green lambasted Trump as unqualified to be president, also criticizing the GOP front-runner for a lack of humility and kind temperament. [...]
Green said Trump “scares me to death,” and he wants his president to be someone “my kids, my grandkids and my great-grandkids can emulate.”
[contextly_sidebar id="Bitcm0Qg1qK1QpHZXN02FTiY8ohTA0M4"]Hobby Lobby likes to be sweet and "humility" and "kind temperament" to people, the same way it acts toward lady employees who want birth control. (HAHA remember that Supreme Court case? How fucked up was that?! Ugh.)
[contextly_sidebar id="VVrthluP2OLbFy56PnEmTPCRyUUy3YDj"]Anyway, Green hates Donald Trump because he's so rude, and probably WE ARE JUST GUESSING because Trump fails to understand how Planned Parenthood murders every baby in the whole world every single day, by giving ladies healthcare. Trump has even said the baby-killing organization has "good aspects" that are "good for women," which is not a "humility" or "kind temperament" thing to say.
[contextly_sidebar id="NV3BFskAOaEBDzbnY76COem21xieDi20"]So Green looked at the other Republican candidates and decided, hey, that Marco Rubio character, the one with the classy penis that's way bigger than Donald Trump's, he's our guy:
Green went on to say that Rubio's humility prepares him to be president.
“Marco Rubio has impressed us with his preparation and the way he carries himself,” he wrote. “But most importantly, Marco regularly exhibits humility and gives the glory to God. Humility is what brings success.
“I will be voting for Marco Rubio on Tuesday and I encourage my fellow Oklahomans to do the same."
[contextly_sidebar id="0e86k1hXNuDrYG3bDut6434ulYzl7oLH"]Oh OK. So, funny story! Early in February, Mother Jones had a piece about how Hobby Lobby was supporting a "surprising" candidate for president, namely Marco Rubio. MoJo was surprised because Rubio thinks Plan B, AKA "the morning-after pill," is a good thing, that it prevents pregnancy, and that it should be sold over the counter. (Those are science facts, actually.) Hobby Lobby, on the other hand, thinks Plan B, when ingested by a woman, turns into a demonic gargoyle creature that travels directly to the uterus and eats all the babies Jesus put in there. David Green is NOT OK with that. (Unless his company's 401K plan is making money off the companies that manufacture Plan B, hahahaha what a goddamned fucking hypocrite.)
[contextly_sidebar id="LEsLL741hPQ0VYTnrjmgSg5luQ7kenvQ"]Thing was, the Mother Jones piece was a bit of a premature ejaculation, because all it showed was that the Green family had given money to all sorts of Republican candidates. But now, with this ACTUAL endorsement, we can commence to LOLing about how the Hobby Lobby folks are still completely misogynistic dicks on the one hand, but on the other hand, they, like so many Republicans, hate the fuck out of Donald Trump SO hard that they will support a Plan B-loving man-child for president. After all, Rubio still wants to defund Planned Parenthood and says fetal tissue research is only OK if God killed the baby all by Himself, so we guess his beliefs are kosher enough for Green, sorta kinda not really?
Plus, Rubio's got that classy big dick, unlike Trump's little stubby winkie.
[Politico / Mother Jones]
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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