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Homeland Security Deputizes All WalMart Shoppers To Stop Terrorists

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While standing (or riding a Rascal) in line at WalMart behind a massive shopping cart full of huge novelty popcorn containers and corn syrup buckets this holiday season, America's defeated shoppers will get a very special message from the nice lady at Homeland Security. Apparently stung by criticism that she's only dedicated to humiliation and child abuse at the nation's airports, Obama's domestic terror chief Janet Napolitano has ordered this charming video be played on continuous loop at every WalMart checkout in America. What does she want the WalMart shoppers to do, after they swipe their EBT cards in exchange for baby formula and Choco Puffs?

She wants them to be on the lookout for terrists! They are probably out there in every WalMart parking lot -- and unlike the make-believe terrists the FBI keeps creating out of forlorn teenagers hanging around suburban mosques, the Real American terrists crouched in their DirecTV installation vans outside the Super Center are actually armed and dangerous! After all, they just walked out of WalMart!

The only way this video would be better is if Napolitano was gently cradling a log. UPDATE: Okay, fine, here:

[YouTube via Cryptogon]

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Barack Obama delivered his first major address of his post-presidency Tuesday at an event in Johannesburg, South Africa, honoring the 100th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's birth. It was -- as you'd expect for the occasion -- appropriately dignified and thoughtful. It was also every bit as inspiring as you might expect from the first black American president speaking in memory of the first black president of a nation that for most of its modern history was synonymous with apartheid. Let's take some time to bask in what an actual world leader sounds like, shall we?

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Guess what Vladimir Putin's getting for Christmas! He's been dropping hints, and you know the Big Orange Baboon can't say no to him for some unknown reason. Gonna be so cute when little Vladdy stumbles down the stairs in his PJs, brushes the sleep from his eyes, and finds MONTENEGRO all wrapped up with a big bow under the Christmas tree. Adorbz!

Oh, but we are to kid! Just a little levity as President Treasonweasel slams a sledgehammer into the international framework that kept us out of another world war for the past 70 years. So why are we suddenly talking about a tinyass country whose chief export appears to be consonants? (Sorry, Montenegro. But your Predsjednik Crne Gore is Milo Đukanović, and your capital city is Cetinje, which is just cheating at Scrabble.)

Well! Donald Trump just got out of a two-hour, closed-door meeting with Vladimir Putin, whose government tried to stage a coup in 2016 to assassinate Đukanović and stop Montenegro's accession to the European Union. Which might not be a coincidence!

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