Homeland Security Deputizes All WalMart Shoppers To Stop Terrorists
While standing (or riding a Rascal) in line at WalMart behind a massive shopping cart full of huge novelty popcorn containers and corn syrup buckets this holiday season, America's defeated shoppers will get a very special message from the nice lady at Homeland Security. Apparently stung by criticism that she's only dedicated to humiliation and child abuse at the nation's airports, Obama's domestic terror chief Janet Napolitano has ordered this charming video be played on continuous loop at every WalMart checkout in America. What does she want the WalMart shoppers to do, after they swipe their EBT cards in exchange for baby formula and Choco Puffs?
She wants them to be on the lookout for terrists! They are probably out there in every WalMart parking lot -- and unlike the make-believe terrists the FBI keeps creating out of forlorn teenagers hanging around suburban mosques, the Real American terrists crouched in their DirecTV installation vans outside the Super Center are actually armed and dangerous! After all, they just walked out of WalMart!
The only way this video would be better is if Napolitano was gently cradling a log. UPDATE: Okay, fine, here: