Fresh off her brilliant destruction of evolution at Chicago's Field Museum -- accomplished by calling science "stupid" and noting that nobody saw what happened 450 million years ago, so shut up -- homeschooling mom and amateur conservative skeptic Megan Fox has trained her keen analytical eye on the Brookfield Zoo. She conducts an "audit" -- it sounds so professional! -- of the exhibits to expose "the Left's propaganda, lies, and evidence of the cult of Scientism at work." We hate to disappoint you, kids, but her very limited success as a YouTube phenomenon has already spoiled Megan Fox. After the brilliant science-bashing idiocy of her visit to the Field Museum, her exposé of the zoo is a classic case of sophomore slump. The crazy eyes and manic stupidity are still there, but the magic? The magic is gone.


For one thing, she's trying too hard to play to type. Following her first video, the interwebs had fun with her insistence that dragons are/were real, so she posted a "teaser" video promising more dragons. Sure, they may look like iguanas (one of which is molting), but the internet liked her dragon stuff before, so she'll give us more dragons, she guesses. But without the crazyass claim that paleontologists are covering up the reality of dragons (to perpetuate their lie that dinosaurs lived "millions" of years ago), it's just annoying, like a preschooler launching into her 400th performance of "I'm a Little Teapot":

It doesn't help that Fox has chopped up her zoo visit into several separate videos; while that does make for easier embedding of particular bits, it interrupts the zenlike flow of idiocy that made the Field Museum so entrancing. Still, bless her heart, she tries, bringing her best efforts at rightwing truth-telling to bear against the evil environmental agenda of the Brookfield Zoo. For instance, she takes issue with a display about conserving water, which is just the most oppressive liberal propaganda because, as the video's description explains, it "teaches kids they are bad, their families are bad, and the only way to be 'good' is to commit penance and buy 'indulgences' from the eco-cult."

After all, is the zoo's mission to "teach us about animals, or to (derisive laughter!) teach us to conserve water?" Obviously, only the craziest Greenhead would think that "clean water" has anything to do with animals, which do not actually live in ecosystems, but in cages. Stupid environmentalist freaks. Isn't it enough just to teach your kids to not let the faucets run because water costs money? Needless to say, Fox finds any suggestion that anyone consume less water offensive and anti-human, and it's disgusting, because liberals don't want anyone to have nice things. Also, liberals are all cultists who worship Gaia or some damn thing.

Once she Welcomes us to the Monkey House, she at least admits that the zoo has done an "awesome job" designing the habitat, but sadly, even the primate exhibit is full of liberal bias, because, in defiance of God and Science, the zoo says that humans are "primates," just like monkeys:

It's obvious what they're doing here, right, they're just pushing a Darwinist theory onto everyone who walks through here. They're equating human beings with monkeys ... What I think is, you would have to have an incredible amount of faith to believe that you came from monkeys or apes, and that is what Darwinism asks us to do. It asks us to rely on faith that that's what actually happened. And it is every bit as much of a religion as any other religion is.

Worse, it's not even good science, because the signs when she was a kid used to just "teach about the animals and what they ate and where they came from," without any of the propaganda about evolution and environmentalism, plus a lot of nonsense about how the animals are "dying in the wild and we need to do something to save them." You know, stupid irrelevant stuff that has nothing to do with the funny monkeys right in front of you.

Fox's unidentified cameraman is a lot talkier this time out, prompting her with the Big Ideas: "Do you think it's fair to say that the exhibits used to emphasize animals being great, but now they emphasize humans being bad?" Yes. Yes, she definitely thinks that's fair. She also fondly reminisces about watching the completely apolitical PBS series that never, ever suggested that animals live in actual habitats or that humans and animals are related in any way. But now all the zoo teaches is that humans are evil. Also, hunters are terrific for the environment, because they donate lots of money to "protect wildlife in those countries like Zambimbia," which we assume is somewhere near the country of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.

Yes. Those countries like Zambimbia.

We take it all back, Megan. You are still magic, and will always be magic. "Zambibia" at 6:45:

Zambia, Zimbabwe, Namibia, Bqhatevwr. Those places with the weird names only have animals left because big-game hunters preserve them. Did Charles Darwin ever do anything to help Zambibia?

And then the cameraman makes sure she gets to the Big Finish: What's the point of all the humans-are-bad messages? "Well, it all goes back to money," Fox explains, possibly hoping she'll be rewarded with a cookie:

Where can we take more money? Where can we tax you more? We're gonna tax you until you die ... So they can say that, "Well this is dying and the EPA needs to get involved, and now we need more money to fund the EPA. Well we know the EPA isn't doing anything with that money except buying weapons and things like that. What are they doing with it? Are they really cleaning up streams, I don't think so. What they're doing is wasting it on all kinds of things, probably on donuts like the Orland Park Public Library.

That last is, of course, a reference to Fox's long-running campaign of harassment of a public library that she's pretty sure has child pornography on its computers. The library has run up $125,000 in costs -- taxpayer funds, not incidentally -- answering her crazy legal challenges and FOIA requests, and a librarian is suing her for defamation. (It gets weirder: her partner in harassing the library is Kevin Dujan, the conspiracy nutjob who insists Barack Obama is a gay cocaine addict who was doing gay cocaine sex stuff during Benghazi.)

There are four more videos in which Fox no doubt has further teabagger insights into how the Brookfield Zoo is propagandizing for higher taxes to buy guns and donuts for the EPA, but we need to sleep. We promise to return to them, because even if YouTube success has spoiled Megan Fox a little, she's still fabulous.

[YouTube / RawStory]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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