Hooray, 'Affluenza' Boy Staying In Jail! Hope He Doesn't Drunk Kill Anybody There :(

Uh oh those are prison gates.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/536305/you-wont-believe-this-rich-kids-one-weird-successful-twinkie-defense-oh-wait-actually-you-will"></a>[/wonkbar]Remember Ethan Couch, the current title holder of Shittiest Rich Boy Spawn In America? He's the one who drunk-killed four people with his car when he was 16, and then got probation because AWWWWW the poor baby didn't even understand the consequences of taking actual lives, due to his parents' vast wealth, and AWWWWW he had a bad relationship with his mommy and daddy too, because no teenager has ever gone through that and AWWWWW.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/597405/spoiled-rich-kid-affluenza-killer-busted-being-spoiled-rich-kid-in-mexico-oops"></a>[/wonkbar]Then he violated his probation by border-jumping to Puerto Vallarta with his dear Mummy (guess they patched things up), which made Texas authorities right mad! They mighta let the fucker get off scot free the first time, but THIS TIME GRRRRR.

Well guess what, babydolls? Young Ethan turned 19-many-years old on Monday, which means he is a growned-up, at least in the eyes of the law, and it's time for some prison:

A Fort Worth judge told Ethan Couch this morning that the so-called “affluenza” teen will stay in jail for almost two years.

State District Judge Wayne Salvant said he’ll review recommendations from prosecutors and from Couch’s attorneys on that longer jail stay as one condition of his probation. But the judge made it clear that Couch won’t go free anytime soon.

“You’re not getting out of jail today,” Salvant told Couch, who wore a red jump suit, a shaggy hair cut and beard into the courtroom. [...]

For now, Salvant ruled that Couch would be jailed for 180 days on each of the four counts of intoxication manslaughter he faces.

It's still kind of a lame sentence, honestly, but at least he will be in prison. And hey, maybe the Lord will visit Judge Salvant in a dream and tell him that Ethan Couch is a pathetic motherfucker who needs to be in jail for much longer than that.

The Dallas Morning News reports that Ethan's mommy, Tonya Crouch, will also be handled by the same judge, for the crime of spiriting her boychild off to Mexico. Maybe they can be in jail together, AWWWWW.

Except no, Mommy can't save him in prison! AT LEAST for the next two years, we can be sure that Ethan will have NO Xbox, NO booze, NO exciting Mexican vacations, or anything like that. Instead, he'll just have to jerk his pimply dick to sleep every night thinking about what he's done.

And maybe then, when he gets out (at which point he still won't be allowed to have adult beverages or drive cars) he might be fit to be a member of society again?

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/599392/texas-gleefully-jizzing-itself-over-all-the-poor-folks-its-about-to-arrest"></a>[/wonkbar]Nah probably not. Hey Texas, we know that you are unrepentant dicks when it comes to meting out criminal justice on people. But this is one case where it would be perfectly fine to throw away the key, and when Ethan and Mommy Dearest ask where the key is, just say, "It's in Mexico by now, probably, SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?"

[Dallas Morning News]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc