Uh oh those are prison gates.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Remember Ethan Couch, the current title holder of Shittiest Rich Boy Spawn In America? He's the one who drunk-killed four people with his car when he was 16, and then got probation because AWWWWW the poor baby didn't even understand the consequences of taking actual lives, due to his parents' vast wealth, and AWWWWW he had a bad relationship with his mommy and daddy too, because no teenager has ever gone through that and AWWWWW.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Then he violated his probation by border-jumping to Puerto Vallarta with his dear Mummy (guess they patched things up), which made Texas authorities right mad! They mighta let the fucker get off scot free the first time, but THIS TIME GRRRRR.

Well guess what, babydolls? Young Ethan turned 19-many-years old on Monday, which means he is a growned-up, at least in the eyes of the law, and it's time for some prison:

A Fort Worth judge told Ethan Couch this morning that the so-called “affluenza” teen will stay in jail for almost two years.

State District Judge Wayne Salvant said he’ll review recommendations from prosecutors and from Couch’s attorneys on that longer jail stay as one condition of his probation. But the judge made it clear that Couch won’t go free anytime soon.

“You’re not getting out of jail today,” Salvant told Couch, who wore a red jump suit, a shaggy hair cut and beard into the courtroom. [...]

For now, Salvant ruled that Couch would be jailed for 180 days on each of the four counts of intoxication manslaughter he faces.

It's still kind of a lame sentence, honestly, but at least he will be in prison. And hey, maybe the Lord will visit Judge Salvant in a dream and tell him that Ethan Couch is a pathetic motherfucker who needs to be in jail for much longer than that.

The Dallas Morning News reports that Ethan's mommy, Tonya Crouch, will also be handled by the same judge, for the crime of spiriting her boychild off to Mexico. Maybe they can be in jail together, AWWWWW.

Except no, Mommy can't save him in prison! AT LEAST for the next two years, we can be sure that Ethan will have NO Xbox, NO booze, NO exciting Mexican vacations, or anything like that. Instead, he'll just have to jerk his pimply dick to sleep every night thinking about what he's done.

And maybe then, when he gets out (at which point he still won't be allowed to have adult beverages or drive cars) he might be fit to be a member of society again?

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Nah probably not. Hey Texas, we know that you are unrepentant dicks when it comes to meting out criminal justice on people. But this is one case where it would be perfectly fine to throw away the key, and when Ethan and Mommy Dearest ask where the key is, just say, "It's in Mexico by now, probably, SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?"

[Dallas Morning News]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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