House Democrats SO PISSED OFF At James Comey Right Now. Let's Irresponsibly Speculate Why!
Hi, I'm A Idiot!
So, members of the U.S. American House of Representatives had a classified briefing with FBI Director James Comey and other intelligence leaders on Friday, about the FBI's handling of the Clinton email thingie just before the election, and also what the FBI knew about Trump's connections to Russian hacking. What did they learn? WE DUNNO, IT'S CLASSIFIED. (Or do we??????) (Yeah, that's right, they gave Wonkette a high security clearance because the ability to make dick jokes about things is crucial to national security.) (It isn't.) (OR IS IT?????)
OK, cool, we've amused ourselves enough with the "OR DO WE?" game (OR HAVE WE?), so we'll tell you the point, which is that the whole briefing apparently went FINE, until the last 15 minutes, at which point James Comey did or said something that made House Democrats go mad with rage, which they cannot share with us, because, again, classified. Check it, via The Hill:
"I was nonjudgmental until the last 15 minutes. I no longer have that confidence in him," Rep. Tim Walz (D-Minn.), ranking member of the Veterans Affairs Committee, said as he left the meeting in the Capitol.
"Some of the things that were revealed in this classified briefing — my confidence has been shook."
Rep. Elijah Cummings (Md.), senior Democrat on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, delivered a similar condemnation.
"I'm extremely concerned — extremely," he said.
"I'll just — I'm very angry," echoed Rep. Mark Takano (D-Calif.).
They're shaken, they're concerned, and they're angry! Anybody else?
"I want to [have faith in Comey]," said a visibly annoyed Rep. Charlie Crist (D-Fla.). "I have concerns. Stay tuned." [...]
"No, I haven't lost confidence in the agency," [Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi] told reporters in the Capitol.
"My concern about the FBI is the timing and their not signing [the broader intelligence document on Russian hacking]. And that was the judgment of Director Comey, unless it goes deeper, and that's what the investigation will find out ... Let's find out how they thought this was a good idea to make the judgments they did, and understanding — weighing full well — that the Russians were actively engaged in disrupting our election."
Whew! OK! Here's Rep. Maxine Waters dropping the mic and throwing her hands in the air about how Comey has "no credibility":
Wonder what happened? Let's irresponsibly speculate and hope we accidentally, by virtue of our dickishness and our good brains, figure out exactly what happened, at least until some fun-loving Democratic congressman decides to take the express train to Leak Town (haha we said "leak"), and lets us have the real bidness:
- Everything was cool until the last 15 minutes, when Comey accidentally let it slip that he's had a video of Trump doing things with Russian wee wee hookers forever, but he keeps it in his office for fapping.
- He stated the obvious, which was that he has a joy hard-on for Donald Trump, and a hate hard-on for Hillary Clinton, so he decided to be all "SHHHH!" about the FBI's Trump investigations, but spill the beans about some inconsequential Hillary bullshit, in order to swing the election.
- He revealed that yes, for real, an entire office of the FBI (the New York one) has gone rogue with Hillary hate, and only answers to its sniveling god-king Rudy Giuliani, therefore he had to be the one to send his now infamous Hillary email letter, because otherwise, New York would have leaked everything anyway.
- He admitted that yes, the FBI literally ignored the dossier handed to it by an old spy who really just wanted to help, while breathlessly reporting on Hillary stuff and Clinton Foundation stuff, because Comey is part of the FBI that's gone rogue.
- Comey introduced a special guest at the briefing, and it was Vladimir Putin, who did a strip-tease, which made all the Republicans sexually aroused, while Democrats sat there like, "I dunno about this, I just came here with my friends ..."
- Comey did the entire briefing in Russian, but somehow Democrats were able to make out the words "coup" and "Trump that bitch!" and "Man, we played ALL Y'ALL."
- They thought they were going to a briefing, but instead it was just a live action performance of Moscow Hooker Pee Pee Dance, which would have been fine if all the Republicans hadn't been clapping their hands like "YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!" and Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Mormon) hadn't thrown his crusty magic underpants at the stage filled with dollar bills.
OK, that's all we can think of. If you are a Democratic congress-critter and we have gotten something right, please wink at Wonkette in the comments, which are not allowed.