House Republicans All Quitting Congress Now, Something Something DEMS IN DISARRAY!

Golly, there must be something in the air that's telling House Republicans to GTFO, because so far, this congressional recess has been a story of Republicans, one after the other, announcing that it's just TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD to be in the minority, and they must feel there is approximately one tiny snowball's chance in hell that they're going to take back the House in 2020, so they are all quitting to spend more time with their families or with the sweet lobbying ca$h they intend to Hoover into their mouth holes the second they are done being "public servants."

Or maybe they are all in Epstein's safe, we don't know. Whatever! (We highly doubt it's that. Republicans? Having sex scandals? PSHAW YOU GET OUTTA HERE.)

We didn't know what was up last week during the Robert Mueller hearing in the House Intelligence Committee, when Rep. Mike Conaway of Texas -- a powerful member of the minority on that committee -- decided he didn't want to ask questions, and instead yielded his time to John Ratcliffe, the latest dumbfuckingliar object of Donald Trump's affection, who may or may not be confirmed as the next director of national intelligence. Maybe he figured who fuckin' cares, because he had already decided he is tired of this shit and he is LEAVING. He is the fifth House Republican to announce that in recent days!

As Politico reminds us, Conaway was the one who "ran" the Intel Committee's Russia investigation, back when the GOP had power and Devin Nunes had to pretend to recuse himself. If you'll recall, Nunes got a visit from the House Ethics Committee after he left a cow-shaped stain on the committee's integrity and perception of independence when in March of 2017 he, obviously doing Donald Trump's bidding, ran to the White House in the dead of night to view super secret classified information about fake "wire tapps" and "umaskings" inflicted upon the president by "Obama people," then (in this order) briefed the public, pretended to brief the president, and then briefed the public again, all while refusing to share that supposed top secret classified information with his own committee.

Conaway never seemed exactly thrilled with his new role.

Anyway, he is quitting. Politico does note that Conaway is 71, so maybe he is just quitting because #old.

But then there are the others (so far):

Other lawmakers who will not seek reelection include Rep. Paul Mitchell of Michigan, a member of GOP leadership; Rep. Martha Roby of Alabama, one of just 13 Republican women in the House; Rep. Pete Olson of Texas, whose competitive district in the Houston suburbs has already been moved to a "toss up" in 2020; and Rep. Rob Bishop of Utah, who is contemplating a bid for governor.


We hate Martha Roby. She is the asshole who got very mad at Hillary Clinton during the 94-hour Benghazi hearings because Hillary LOLed at her question about whether she was home ALONE the whole night. Why was that funny, Hillary? Martha Roby did not think that was very funny, Hillary. (It was funny for obvious reasons.)

Most of the election tracking websites aren't paying much attention to what a vacancy in Roby's seat might mean, continuing to rank it as pretty darn Republican. However, we'd note that Alabama's 2nd, while gerrymandered as all fuck, includes most of Montgomery, which is a majority black city. Take away the power of incumbency and add a really good Democratic candidate and an engaged electorate, and that district could get quite a bit more competitive.

Politico notes that on top of Roby and Conaway and the rest, Montana Rep. Greg Gianforte is likely to nope out and run for governor, while Alabama Rep. Bradley Byrne is running in the GOP Senate primary to take that seat back from Doug Jones.

And that's what we know SO FAR. Keep this pattern up until Christmas and the carnage in the House GOP will rival any terrifying Christmas display from hell Melania Trump decides to put up in the White House.

So what does this all mean, and how is it Nancy Pelosi's fault?

Well, The Hill reports that House Republicans are moping around and worried there is going to be a "tsunami" of new retirement announcements, and Republican strategists are going OH SHIT because usually people wait until Christmas to say they're going to fuck off, and some people are whispering it's Donald Trump's fault because Donald Trump is a racist fuck and everybody in America hates him and he's gonna lose and they're gonna lose, and OH FIDDLESTICKS everything is just the worst. For instance, this is a Republican congressman talking without giving their name:

"Serving in the era of Trump has few rewards. He has made an already hostile political environment worse. Every day there is some indefensible tweet or comment to defend or explain. It is exhausting and often embarrassing," the member of Congress said. Even if Republicans were to win back the majority, "our edge would be narrow which means we would live under the tyranny of the Freedom Caucus. Frankly I wonder if this conference is capable of governing."

Another Republican consultant who talked to The Hill said there are definitely a shitload more people gonna quit-fire themselves in the coming months.

We just hope the rapidly growing cohort of Democrats signing on to impeach Donald Trump doesn't trip over the puppy pile of sadness and shattered dreams that is the House Republican caucus, as they all decide to take their toys and go home to cry a lot.

That would be inconvenient for the Democrats.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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