House Republicans Demand FBI Agent Peter Strzok Tell Them What It's Like To Text A Real Girl

Surprise, House Republicans are wasting time and taxpayer money again! Ever since the Department of Justice's inspector general report on the Hillary Clinton investigation came out and failed to show anything nefarious besides how James Comey really screwed Clinton in the 2016 election, our favorite idiots in the House have nevertheless continued to fixate on the conduct of Peter Strzok, the FBI agent who led the Hillary emails investigation, who was on the team investigating Donald Trump and Russia, and who very briefly was on special counsel Robert Mueller's team. You see, Peter Strzok was having an affair with another FBI lady named Lisa Page, and they communicated with each other on the Obamaphones issued to them by the FBI, and a couple times they said Donald Trump is a piece of shit. LOCK THEM UP, RIGHT?

Of course, the DOJ watchdog's report concluded that, despite how Strzok and Page were DEFINITELY FUCKIN', and despite how they definitely can't stand Donald Trump, there is zero evidence their personal feelings, either about Trump or about each other's genital naked parts, affected their work.

Strzok testified for the House Judiciary and Oversight committees behind closed doors on Wednesday, and according to all credible accounts, it was SO STUPID:

Over nearly 10 hours, Strzok defended his texts as "intimate" conversations with an "intimate friend," according to those in the room. [...]

"Mad and angry," said Rep. Andy Biggs (R-Ariz.), describing his emotions leaving the meeting.

"Monumental waste of time," countered Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.).

Oh dear, the FBI man with the sexting made Andy Biggs both mad and angry! That sounds serious!

According to Politico, Strzok got to Congress at 10 AM and testified ALL DAY, then slipped into something a little more comfortable for the evening session, which was classified. And while the Democrats were like "WTF are we doing here," literally all the Republicans were pretty sure they found the smoking gun, and it was Peter Strzok's penis sexts:

"None of my concerns about political bias have been alleviated based on what I heard so far," Meadows added.

"I think the text messages speak for themselves," said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), who stopped short of saying Strzok lied to the committee.

To be clear, all of the other thousands of employees of the FBI send text messages. We bet they even talk about their political opinions! The only reason we have these is that Strzok and Page were extramaritally boning and used their FBI phones, like a couple of boning idiots. We'd love to see the sexts from those rogue agents in the FBI's New York field office, those #Pizzagate-loving morons who spent the latter days of the 2016 election season leaking lies and bullshit about Hillary Clinton to Rudy Giuliani, because we bet they're pretty biased!

According to House Judiciary chairman Bob Goodlatte, we will probably have a chance to watch Strzok on TV telling us what it's like to have a girlfriend at work, and to text her a lot, because Goodlatte wants to do a show trial. Strzok wants to do that too, probably because he'd like America to see firsthand what fucking trifling bullshit he is putting up with right now, from the likes of Jim Jordan and Mark Meadows and Andy Biggs.

So, if you think it would be interesting to watch Jim Jordan and his fellow Republicans interrogate an FBI agent on what it's like to have sex with a real lady, you might just get to witness that!

It will be fucking disgusting and Congress will be all sticky afterward.

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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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