Houston Votes Yucky Gay Homosexicans Off Island
Father forgive them, for they are dumb as fuck like whoa.
Oh dear God, Houston voters, what fucking century did you meth-travel to before you voted Tuesday? Because if we are reading the results correctly (and we are, duh), you went to the polls and said, "Gays? Fuck 'em." You voted down Proposition 1, aka the Houston Equal Rights Ordinance, a simple "yes" or "no" question that asked, "Are the gays and the BLTs human beings, deserving of equal dignity and respect?" It also asked the following questions:
- Do LGBT people deserve to be free of discrimination in hiring, firing, where to live, where to shop,
WHICH WATER FOUNTAIN TO USE,and other purposes, like such as?
- Are you such a bigot you're willing to vote down an ordinance that actually protected 15 categories of people, including religion, race, gender and other stuff, just so you can make sure the LGBTs feel bad, because EW GAY?
- Are you just kind of a stick-your-finger-up-your-butt-and-lick-it dumbass who actually believed religious right leaders when they said an equal rights ordinance would make it legal for burly men in dresses to finger your kids in the little girls' room?
And you answered as follows: Fuck the gays, fuck the transgenders, yep we're bigots, and OH MY GOD we're really that stupid.
Supporters of the ordinance had said it would have offered increased protections for gay and transgender people, as well as protections against discrimination based on sex, race, age, religion and other categories.
Opponents of the ordinance, including a coalition of conservative pastors, said it infringed on their religious beliefs regarding homosexuality. But in the months leading up to Tuesday’s vote, opponents focused their campaign on highlighting one part of the ordinance related to the use of public bathrooms by transgender men and women that opponents alleged would open the door for sexual predators to go into women’s restrooms.
And therein lies The Thing. If this had just been about the LGBs, but not the Ts, it MIGHT have turned out differently. (That's not what we are saying should have happened, because nondiscrimination ordinances should always include both sexual orientation and gender identity, so go ahead and shut up, Twitter.)
Transgenders! Making Potty! OH NOOOOOOOOOO!
See, Transgender Bathroom Panic is a common tactic these days. Religious right fuckspigots spew italloverthe place, saying
fundamentalist pastors or Catholic priests men are going to use legal protection for transgender women to throw on a skirt and molest little girls in public bathrooms.
We saw it with Michelle Duggar, taking time off from protecting her OWN kid-diddling son to robocall Arkansas voters to warn them of the transgender menace. We saw it in a recent bill in Wisconsin seeking to save the schools from the clear and present danger of trans kids taking whizzes. We saw it with Sen. James Inhofe losing his snowball-fondling mind over where transgender troops will go potty while they're fighting our wars.
And of course, we see it every time Tucker Carlson gets on the television and says it's super unfair how the liberals won't make fun of transgender people using the bathroom, because come on, that's a thing that
renders Tucker's penis unable to perform for weeks at a time is funny.
This works because too many people don't understand anything about transgender people. Or bathrooms. They are perversely obsessed with the idea that it matters what kind of down-theres the person pissing in the bathroom stall next to you has. Never mind that every opposite-married couple in America shares a bathroom, and many of their opposite-sexed kids share bathrooms, and they don't fret about the likely molestation happening under their own roofs, do they? Even when they should, if their last name is Duggar.
That's Some Bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, we know, there's literally NO EVIDENCE trans people commit these crimes against little girls. Details are not important here, because religious right leaders are liars.
But come the fuck on, we live in a world where EVERY GODDAMNED FUCKING YEAR, local news stations air reports about how drug dealers are fancying up their LSD-ecstasy-cyanide hybrids, putting them in kid-friendly cupcake molds, and giving them out to the little Elsas and Batmans who come to their doors on Halloween, and people share that shit ALL OVER their Facebook pages, because they are stupid enough to believe dealers get their kicks giving drugs away for free.
Is it so much of a stretch to see how Suzie Pillhead Minivan in the suburbs, with her 2.3 kids, might be dipshitted enough to believe the anti-transgender lies, or at least vote against all the queers JUST IN CASE?
So nota bene to activists: Maybe try new ways to disseminate your OWN message. Maybe campaigns that say, "The Equal Rights Ordinance will make things great for ALL Houstonians!" don't stack up to "STOP THE DEMON-GENDER MAN-LADIES FROM PLAYING POKEY-POKEY ON YOUR DAUGHTER'S HOO-HA IN THE POTTY YEE HAW JESUS!" That has a lot more oomph! than your thing, don't you think?
The Good News! We Should End With Good News, Yes?
Well fine, you can have your Good News and your free blowjob in a minute, but first a little context. Nondiscrimination ordinances like this are no big deal. Sometimes, as in yr Wonkette's hometown of Memphis, they apply only to city employees, in hopes that the city's policies will spread out to the community at large. In Houston, it affected city contractors and private business as well. Oh and in Memphis, activists took it before the city council THREE TIMES before it passed. And Jesus Louise-us, we have no idea what would have happened if it had gone to the voters.
Trust that this fight is not over.
And here is more Good News: Remember what happened when Indiana tried to fuck the gays? Ooh, it was not pretty! Big business went apeshit, threatening to pull conventions and operations out of the state, and by the end of a week or two of outrage, they had dickbreath Indiana Gov. Mike Pence in a headlock, shitting his knickers and crying for his mommy.
So have fun doing that, Apple, Hewlett-Packard, General Electric, Dow Chemical, and whoever else wants to play the same game in Houston. We'll be over here eating chicken wings and muttering, "karma's a bitch" under our breath.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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