How Are Arizona Republicans Performing Patriot Fellatio Today? (SFW)
Hey! Want to get scared shitless today? That's great, because Arizona still exists, and all we have to do is say, "What are they doing?" andboom things instantly get weird and awful.
So... what are they doing? Well, there's a Democrat who's trying to make it a felony to intentionally give someone an STD, which is, well, not an insane thing to take umbrage with.
How about the Republicans? Oh, they're trying to mandate religious oaths about defending the Constitution be recited in order to graduate high school? Awesome. Nice job Arizona. We were almost not creeped out today.
So, what would students have to say before they would be allowed to graduate?
I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge these duties; so help me God.
OH COOL. Everyone who graduates high school in Arizona has to DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION, because there are soooo many "enemies, foreign and domestic" who are running around, being Mexican, and they have to be busted up or something. Everyone now has the same "defend the Constitution" obligations that the president does, and members of the military, and — hey, wait. What if they don't defend it? What if one of them wakes up one day and is like, "You know, maybe I do want the government to quarter troops in private homes, even during peacetime"? Do they have their diploma revoked? What good is an oath with no enforcement?
Also, Arizona has a very special brand of "defending the Constitution" that involves random backwoods sheriffs sending letters to Obama informing him that Sir, We Will Not Obey Your Orders, because that random sheriff has decided they're unconstitutional, and he is clearly more knowledgable about the subject than all of the other checks on executive authority that are built into... the Constitution. Hey, maybe he took a loyalty oath!
Let's see, what else is stupid here... Oh! How about making someone say "I take this obligation freely," as you tell them that not taking it means they do not graduate high school. Super free. About as free as all the other "freedoms" Arizonans have dreamt up.
We shall skip over the part about "so help me God," as it makes fun of itself.
The legislative superhero who proposed this has since said the legislation is up for revision because of the rushed nature of the process, but that he really does feel deeply about the shittiest parts:
But he said he continues to support the underlying idea.
“Constitutional oaths are common for elected officials and government employees, including the governor, the Legislature and members of our law enforcement and our military,” he said.
“It is my hope that if Arizona students are given the opportunity to also take a simple, Constitutional oath, that this will inspire them to learn more about our Constitutional form of government and the rich history of our nation and founding.”
Yes, nothing "will inspire them to learn more about our Constitutional form of government" quite like an oath that violates the First Amendment several ways at once.
You know what else might help them learn about the Constitution? Paying for the Arizona public education system, which hasn't happened in three years. Meh, it's cheaper to pander, and that keeps the taxes down. God bless Arizona.