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Donald Trump is so mad right now. About all of it, obviously. He's getting impeached, he probably can't pick out which picture is "camel" the way he used to, everybody hates him, he gets booed at Veterans Day events, his oldest son has that face ... we can't think of a thing he has to be happy about, honestly.

But he's real mad that Republicans won't go out there and say his crime call with Ukraine was perfect, which is what he thinks about his extortion of the Ukrainian president. We imagine it's pretty hard for Republicans to say it was "perfect," since the partial transcript Trump released of the call is, prima facie, a crime spree.

Ayup!

Let's look at some of the new defenses the GOP has come up with the past few days for Trump's bribe-y crime call, and his much longer campaign to extort Ukraine into investigating his political rivals.

SPOILER, none of them are "it was a perfect call!"


Trump Didn't Shoot That Guy On Fifth Avenue! It Was ... Those Coffee Boys Over There! Rudy Giuliani The Coffee Boy And Gordon Sondland The Coffee Boy And Mick Mulvaney The Coffee Boy! BUNCHA COFFEE SHOOTERS!

The Washington Post reported late last week on a "new plan" in the House GOP to protect Trump from impeachment. It is the best plan, are you ready to hear the BEST PLAN? They want to say all Trump's faithful morons -- Rudy, Gordon 'n' Mick -- "could have acted on their own to influence Ukraine policy," by which they mean Donald Trump had NO IDEA what those ding dongs were doing.

As Republicans argue that most of the testimony against Trump is based on faulty secondhand information, they are sowing doubts about whether Sondland, Giuliani and Mulvaney were actually representing the president or freelancing to pursue their own agendas. The GOP is effectively offering up the three to be fall guys.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Excuse us.

Giphy

"There is no direct linkage to the president of the United States," Rep. Mark Meadows (R-N.C.) told reporters this week, contending that while lawyers normally coordinate with their clients, Giuliani is a special case. "There are a whole lot of things that he does that he doesn't apprise anybody of." [...]

Giuliani and Sondland are not the only people that Republicans argue can take the heat off Trump. Some congressional Republicans have suggested that Mulvaney was simply exercising his own well-documented penchant for cutting foreign aid when he effectively admitted in an Oct. 17 news conference that the administration had withheld U.S. aid to Ukraine to secure investigations that could help the president politically.

So Rudy Giuliani did a months-long campaign to get fake dirt on Joe Biden, Gordon Sondland personally delivered a quid pro quo to a Ukrainian government official in Warsaw in September saying the aid wouldn't be released unless Ukraine delivered up the fake investigations, and Mick Mulvaney put the aid to Ukraine on hold back in July because they were just a bunch of crazy guys goin' to Crazy Town, individually and without consulting with Trump? OK.

Keep talking, Republicans. You sound very convincing.

If you'd like to see Fox News idiot Leland Vittert attempt to push a version of this message of a fantasy-land where Trump didn't actually give any of these orders, and immediately getting smacked around by Democratic Rep. Tom Malinowski in response, click here.

By the by, here is a video of Donald Trump last week calling Gordon Sondland, the EU ambassador who bought and begged Trump for his job, the coffee boy, at least in so many words:

Trump Didn't Mean To Shoot That Guy On Fifth Avenue! The Gun Just Went Off, HAPPENS TO ALL GUYS!

John Kennedy, the senator from Deliverance, went on CBS on Sunday and conceded that yes, it probably would be bad, and even impeachable (!!) if Trump literally extorted Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy to investigate his political rivals (NARRATOR: he did), but said it really does matter if Trump had a "culpable state of mind" when he did it. (NARRATOR: Donald Trump doesn't have a soul, ergo he does not experience "guilty conscience.")

Kennedy says he only has two questions, which are 1) why did Trump ask for the investigation? and 2) what did Hunter Biden do for the money? Kennedy seems to differentiate between whether Trump asked Ukraine to investigate the Bidens in order to help his re-election (NARRATOR: it was that), or whether Trump asked Ukraine to investigate the Bidens because he REALLY REALLY REALLY is worried that they did "corruption" in Ukraine. This is because John Kennedy is a paste-eating sycophantic moron who thinks it's possible that Donald J. Trump is really truly worried about "corruption."

His second question is so irrelevant it doesn't deserve a response from any human.

Kennedy said a bunch more things in the interview, but it mostly sounded like a redneck goat trapped in a haunted house stepping on its own dick for six straight minutes, so we'll move on.

PSHAW, Trump Shoots Guys In The Middle Of Fifth Avenue Every Day On TV!

Hello, Texas GOP Rep. Mac Thornberry!

THORNBERRY: I believe that it is inappropriate for a president to ask a foreign leader to investigate a political rival. [...] I believe it was inappropriate. I do not believe it was impeachable. [...]

I would suggest a couple of circumstances are relevant here, number one, there's not anything that the president said in that phone call that's different than he says in public all the time.

Oh well then, it's obviously fine! If you commit your crimes on live TV they don't count as crimes, that is what the law has always said in US America, ayup you betcha!

Why won't any of these guys say Trump's call was perfect? GRRRRRRR.

WHAT WERE HUNTER BIDEN AND THE WHISTLEBLOWER DOING WHEN TRUMP SHOT THE GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF FIFTH AVENUE?

Really, Lindsey Graham?

"I consider any impeachment in the House that doesn't allow us to know who the whistleblower is to be invalid," the South Carolina senator declared. "Because without the whistleblower complaint, we wouldn't be talking about any of this."

"I also see the need for Hunter Biden to be called to adequately defend the president," he added. "And if you don't do those two things, it's a complete joke."

Wonkette would add that we do not know what Hillary Clinton or Malia Obama or Kathy Griffin or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or the Dixie Chicks were doing when Trump extorted the president of Ukraine, and if we don't find out, then this is a JOKE, I DO DECLARE, A JOKE, NOW FETCH LINDSEY HIS INHALER AND HIS SMELLING SALTS BEFORE HE DIES OF CONSUMPTION!

In case you were wondering if Lindsey Graham's meltdown was ongoing, the answer is yes.

Sure, Trump Shot That Guy In The Middle Of Fifth Avenue, But So Did Everybody In Congress! The Only Person Who Didn't Is RAND PAUL!

We already had this in our Chuck Todd post from this morning, but here it is again if you hate yourself enough to look at Rand Paul's face twice in a day:

Trump Shot A Guy In The Middle Of Fifth Avenue? Well Shucks, BOYS WILL BE BOYS!

Shut up, Nikki Haley.

Is This Post Over Yet?

Yeah sure why not. Live impeachment hearings start Wednesday! Open thread? Starts right about NOW!

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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