How Many Goddamn Russian Spies Came To Trump Junior's Russian Conspiracy Meeting?


Drip. Drip drip drip. DRIP DRIP DRIP GEYSER! Apparently now we are doing breaking news at the crack of dawn, because NBC News reports that, despite earlier reports that Donald Trump Jr., Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner met at Trump Tower in June of 2016 with one (1) Russian lawyer lady, Natalia Veselnitskaya, with one (1) translator in attendance, there was ANOTHER Russian spy in the room. (Haha, we say "another," because we're assuming at least one of the Americans is a double agent. Rhymes with "Can Of Snort.") Or maybe two more Russian spies. Or maybe nine. Or maybe eleventy. Or maybe Vladimir Putin personally attended for a very important discussion about bouncy Russian babies, or to do conspiracies with the Trump campaign by giving them salacious information about Hillary Clinton.


The Russian lawyer who met with the Trump team after a promise of compromising material on Hillary Clinton was accompanied by a Russian-American lobbyist — a former Soviet counter intelligence officer who is suspected by some U.S. officials of having ongoing ties to Russian intelligence, NBC News has learned. [...]

The Russian-born American lobbyist served in the Soviet military and emigrated to the U.S., where he holds dual citizenship.

It's OK, NBC, you can just say "spy."

The Associated Press reports that the name of the Spy/Not Spy is Rinat Akhmetshin. (UPDATE! He is also a Russian hacker! See update here!) NBC says Akhmetshin told Junior's lawyer Alan Futerfas that he doesn't have any current Russian spying ties, but guess what, THAT'S WHAT SPIES SAY.

"He is a U.S. citizen. He told me specifically he was not working for the Russian government, and in fact laughed when I asked him that question.”

Speaking of lawyers, know how Donald Trump The Older And Fatter says he didn't even know his firstborn was trying to do Russian conspiracy crimes for Daddy by having this meeting? Yahoo News reports Trump's lawyers knew about the meeting WEEKS ago. So is Daddy lying about not knowing, or did Daddy's lawyers withhold this information from him, due to how he is the worst client on Planet Earth, and they were worried he would tweet about it? Who knows!

ANYWAY. When NBC reached the Russian lawyer lady for comment, she was like "Da, I am an agent of the Kremlin, although I lie about that like a common Russian, so I brought one of my Russian spy friends, Rinat Akhmetshin, BUT IS THAT EVEN HIS REAL NAME? You don't know! LOL HASHTAG SPY STUFF!" (That may not be a real quote.) NBC also says Veselnitskaya "acknowledged ... she was accompanied by at least one other man," to the meeting, to which we reply AT LEAST? HOW MANY RUSSIAN MAN SPIES IS IT? MSNBC notes there was a sixth person in the room, but that's just the translator. (Who could also be a spy.)

So what was the Spy/Not Spy Rinat Akhmetshin doing? Possibly putting some "wire tapps" in Trump Tower for Putin? Did he need to do some maintenance on that weird Trump organization computer server that only shares information with Alfa Bank in Moscow (and Spectrum Health, which is weirdly "led by" the husband of one Betsy DeVos)? Is he the Best Buy Geek Squad, but for servers used for (allegedly!) espionage purposes between Trump and Russia?

Or is he just Veselnitskaya's sexxxy Russian spy lover? Had she promised him they would have a fun "just us" afternoon in New York that day, but then UGH, she had to drag him along to do election interference at Trump Tower? And afterward did they finally get to have their romantic lunch and stroll through Central Park and then go see Hamilton, like how did they even get tickets? CONSPIRACIES ABOUND.

Junior's lawyer has more things to say:

Alan Futerfas, the attorney retained by Donald Trump Jr., confirmed he has spoken to the individual.

"It’s very simple,” Futerfas said. "The person was described as a friend of Emin [Agalarov]’s and maybe as a friend of Natalia [Veselnitskaya]’s.”

OK, so Akhmetshin is an American citizen who's also a Russian citizen, and he MIGHT be a friend of Veselnitskaya's, and he's definitely a friend of Emin Agalarov, the Azerbaijani-Russian pop star who called the meeting, and whose dad is a Russian oligarch with deep ties to Putin. Is he just some Russian guy? Or he is a Russian super spy who wanted to show everybody the kompromat Russia has on Daddy Trump?

Was this meeting actually a screening of the Trump Russian Pee Hooker Tape? Did the Russians turn the lights down and serve popcorn for movie time, or did they just pop the tape in the VCR and all of a sudden it was like "OH FUCK WE ARE WATCHING RUSSIAN PEE-VISION AND DONALD TRUMP IS THE STAR"?

As you can tell we have questions. And of course special counsel Robert Mueller has questions. We bet he has more professional questions than we do.

We said earlier this week that Junior better hope there are no "tapes" of his Russian meeting, but LOL we bet there are, so WHEEEEEEE, this is fun!

Here's a funny tweet, to close out this post:

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[NBC / AP]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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