Big Mistake. YOOGE.

Last week, the British shitrag The Daily Mail reported on the existence of two unauthorized biographies of Donald Trump and his virgin bride, Melania. The Daily Mail said, "Here are two books; you don't have to believe them because they don't offer any proof and they are pretty shady and we do not endorse their premises; but also they exist; oh, and also Melania Trump nee Knauss might have been a member of Mrs. Warren's Profession." (The Daily Mail did not mention Mrs. Warren's Profession, because it is not as classy nor as Shavian as your Wonkette.) It bolstered its article with "context" reminding people of Donald Trump's trips on the Sidepiece Sexpress while married to his first wife, Ivana, and posited that if these books were correct, Trump was doubtless putting it to Melania while married to his second wife, Marla Maples.

We can't speak to British libel law, which is a real motherfucker, but generally, in America, we are free to report that things that exist exist. This is particularly true if the thing that exists is a thing that exists about a public figure, and even more so an elected official, which Donald Trump is seeking to become (you might have heard).

This is why Barack Obama has never sued WorldNetDaily for saying he is a constant gay hooker for crack -- we mean besides the fact that it's obviously true.

While Melania Trump is not running for elected office, it would be relevant to her husband's character if he had in fact met her while she was selling flowers at the Piccadilly Circus, and lied about not knowing her for the next three years, until, per The Daily Mail's quoted biographies, the two were ready to make their relationship public after his separation from the second Mrs. Trump.

In response to this story, Donald Trump did what any thin-skinned bully billionaire would do, and threatened to sue the fuck out of everyone. And here is where we find a liberal pussy, and a liberal FUCKIN' HERO.

Be a pussy, Bipartisan Report:

Yesterday, Aug. 21, 2016, we published a story sourced from multiple outlets about Melania Trump’s past employment. After publishing, it was brought to our attention that many of the statements made by sources were not fully confirmed by audio or video tape and are therefore heresay. Aside from the facts not being 100 percent accurate, we deeply regret reporting on a story of such a “low brow” nature. Melania Trump is a private citizen and deserves the privacy and respect that any one of us would want and expect. We sincerely apologize to her for stooping to such a level and will not do so again in the future. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in “the news” and not stop to think about the fact there is a human being behind each story. Melania is human and deserves the respect of one.

OK, that part's fine (besides not knowing what "heresay" is). We are human and we need to be loved, just like anybody else does. What is so objectionable that I am hurling vulgar gendered insults?

None of these nine statements are able to be fully confirmed. We retract and apologize for them,

The true facts are as follows:

Mrs. Trump never worked as an escort or sex worker, nor did she ever have a composite or presentation card for the sex business. [...]

Further, Mrs. Trump arrived in the United States for the first time in 1996. Thus, she did not, and could not have, met Donald Trump or participated in a photo shoot in the United States prior to that time.

Mrs. Trump first met Donald Trump in 1998, two years after she moved to the United States in 1996.

Look, we appreciate that you're askeered, Bipartisan Report. Thin-skinned bully billionaires can really fuck a website up. But copy-and-pasting a lawyer's assertions as "facts" that are already contradicted by the public record -- in the form of sexy lesby photos taken in New York in 1995, according to the New York Post -- is beneath a free press, whether or not they're being intimidated by Hulk Hogan's attorney.

For a primer on How To Do It, see LiberalAmerica's apology, while you still can, as we assume they will go down in a blaze of internet glory before they are sued back to Saddam Hussein's Stone Age:

First of all, I’m very very sorry that I wrote an article about the past of Melania Trump. I got my information from reputable sources and reported on what was being reported there, but apparently that isn’t good enough to pass muster in the version of American freedom of the press envisioned by Mr. Trump and his team of legal vultures.

Additionally, I’m also sorry that the personal image of the wannabe first lady is so insecure that she feels the need to send her legal hell-hounds chasing after small, independent journalists such as me. I had no idea I was such a threat to the Trump campaign or family. Imagine my surprise.

I’m also sorry beyond words that Mrs. Trump decided to take the stage at the GOP convention and give a speech (large portions of which appear to have been copied or stolen from Michelle Obama) in which she said that only her husband could effectively lead and save the United States. That only her husband could make America great again. In my book, that makes her a public figure, meaning that I can say any damn thing I want about her and she has no recourse whatsoever. Libel is almost impossible to prove, but she and her husband have unlimited financial resources and I don’t, so I have no choice but to write this mea culpa.

But most of all I’m sorry that in Donald and Melania Trump’s view of how this republic works, they think it’s in keeping with the spirit of the First Amendment to threaten, intimidate, and harass reporters. Just the fact that they immediately felt the need to get lawyers involved proves that they don’t believe in preserving, protecting, or defending the Constitution, even though every President has to make a pledge to do so when he or she takes the oath of office. In Donald Trump’s world, the Constitution only applies to those who can afford to hire expensive legal mouthpieces.

But wait! There's more! And you should give your pageview to to keep up its good fight, for, we expect, at least the next several hours.

Donald Trump, alleged "billionaire," has promised to "open up the libel laws" if he is elected; as per usual, he knows as much about First Amendment jurisprudence (and How Constitution Works, and Marbury vs. Madison, and What Is Legal?) as he knows about anything else.

Meanwhile, if Melania Trump really did give up her amateur status back in the '90s (not that we are saying she did!), it is by far the most human thing we've ever heard about her. Slippery little suckers, aren't they?

[BipartisanReport / LiberalAmerica]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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