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Did you really expect THIS GUY to succeed?


Paul Ryan gained the Speaker’s Gavel after everyone and their mother determined that he was THE ONLY ONE who could save the GOP from disastrous dumbassery after Crybaby McDrunkerson decided to peace out. While Ryan demurred like a coy pretty princess, his lips said no while his ambition said yes. Has he been up to the task? After about six weeks on the job, we are comfortable with this analysis: He is a giant sack of fail wrapped in incompetence, with a faint sheen of ineptitude.

How Can He Already Suck So Hard?

One would think that it would be hard to fuck things up in only 6 weeks. Especially in the current Congress, which is not associated with words like “competence,” “leadership,” or "detectable brainwave activity." Yet Ryan has managed to swiftly pivot from bold promises in his maiden speech as Speaker to failure in a few short weeks. On his first day as Speaker, he said:

“But let’s be frank. The House is broken. We’re not solving problems, we’re adding to them. And I’m not interested in laying blame. We're not settling scores, we’re wiping the slate clean.” Ryan promised that during his reign Congress “will not duck the tough issues; we will take them head on.”

In addition to these promises, he vowed to bring back "regular order" to the House of Representatives despite a CBO estimate that North America doesn't produce nearly enough dietary fiber to achieve such a feat.

Are we really surprised that Ryan is a lying sack of fail? No. But unlike Ryan, we can back up our words with evidence.

First Fail: Funding the Gubmint

[contextly_sidebar id="0ZPxivjtYvfrbElUmxqptxtMdU0I4wUz"]Yr Wonkette has already covered, in a brilliant piece of writing you should all read, the fact that Ryan came dangerously close to YET ANOTHER government shutdown. Instead of actually funding the government for a year, Ryan is seeking a week-long CR, and then they will get around to the real bill next week... or maybe even the week after, or the week after that, who even knows.

Let’s pause here for just a moment. When Speaker Orangesicle von Drunkass left, the Republicans themselves picked their own deadline for funding the government. They could have picked Nov. 29, or Dec. 18, or any goddamn day they wanted. Paul Ryan knew exactly when the deadline was, but he futzed around trying to appease his far-right overlords:

If only Republicans who control the entire U.S. Congress hadn’t had to spend all that time having a UNBECREDIBLE breakdown after Boehner told ’em to take this job and shove it, and if only they hadn’t had to spend that entire day being outsmarted by Hillary Clinton on The Benghazi, and if only they hadn’t had to waste god knows how many hours investigating Planned Parenthood’s black market Baby Parts Qwik-E-Mart, maybe they’d have time to figure out a proper year-long funding bill, like how their job says they’re supposed to. But you know. Priorities.

Fail Number Two: Congress Isn’t Regular, If You Know What We Mean

Speaker Ryan promised to usher in a New Era, which actually harkens back to an Old Era, because Republicans are constantly in favor of looking backwards. He wants a return to Regular Order in the House. What is that? Glad you asked.

Regular order is the way Congress is supposed to work in an ideal world when we have elected officials who are interested in governing rather than soundbite snipes against our Kenyan Muslim President. It’s when legislation goes through the a committees, then comes to a vote in the full House in a open process where any member can propose an amendment. You know, democracy in action and all that crap.

For funding the government, there would be 12 separate bills, each of which funds a particular part of the government. Those bills would go through their appropriate subcommittee and committee votes, then be brought to the floor for a vote by everyone. This is what Speaker Ryan promised he would restore.

Yet in his first attempt to fund the government, not only is he late, but the bill is a giant omnibus bill funding the entirety of the federal government, which is being negotiated behind closed doors, and there will be no opportunity to add amendments. What if Louie Gohmert wanted to add the All Muslims Are Terrorists Act to the funding bill? He will be unable to do so, because Paul Ryan is a liar.

Fail #3: Tough Issues Mean Hard Work, So Forget It

Ryan also promised that he won’t duck the tough issues. SO BOLD! MUCH REFORM! Hey, one of the toughest issues out there is immigration reform. The Senate passed a bill like a million months ago, and it is certainly exactly the kind of tough issues we expect Speaker Ryan to tackle head on:

The House of Representatives will not vote on comprehensive immigration legislation as long as President Obama is in office.

[contextly_sidebar id="AhOVTonkSS88ikva4BdPDtifM80qHvpY"]Oh. So when he said he won’t duck tough issues, he meant exactly the opposite of the words that spewed forth from his vile, slimy, bearded mouthhole. Catholics call that “lying” and it is a sin and breaks one of the Ten Commandments, but whatever. Work is hard, and tackling hard things might require working on weekends, and that shit is for the little people, not His Royal Highness who must have all weekends off.

Fails #4-59: No Holy Grail for Ryan

We all know that all the problems of the world, from ISIS to Nickleback to the War on Christmas to the Debt Ceiling, have their origin in Obamacare. Science Fact: the world would be better off if the poor Mericans just went ahead and died, and quit their whining about wanting petty things like "medicine" and "doctors," which should be reserved for their betters. Just fucking die already. As Ryan might say, “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.” Or was that a Dickens character? Who knows, really. We don't fact-check on the weekend.

In any case, this is apparently one of the “tough issues” that Ryan is willing to tackle. Votes to repeal Obamacare despite the fact that it WILL NEVER HAPPEN is certainly a priority over stinky immigrants who are likely rapists anyways. Yet despite his best efforts, the poors will be forced to endure another Christmas with affordable health care, unless the three ghosts of Republican Christmas visit Obama and his heart shrinks 10 sizes, plus two. (Yeah, we mixed our Christmas Carol and Grinch metaphors – get over it.)

Any Accomplishments?

No

Really?

Yeah. The guy sucks alligator balls. What can we say. Congress just passed a bill replacing No Child Left Behind. But all the work happened under Boehner, so Ryan can’t really take any credit for it. Also, the bill is terrible.

In sum, he has failed at all the things he promised he would do in just six weeks. It's an impressive feat of failure, but really that's just depressing.

Any hope for 2016?

Speaker Ryan promised that in 2016, the GOP would unveil a replacement to Obamacare, because it became law in 2010 and the GOP has voted 50+ times to repeal it without any hint of an idea of how to replace it. But now Speaker Ryan has “vowed” a replacement will happen. For reals. Like, absolutely. He super-promises, no takesy-backsies. 100% guaranteed. Absolutely gonna happen.

We'll take him at his word. Why not?

[Politico / Wonkette / USA Today]

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