WHOA, the Trump administration actually sanctioned some damn Russians! Congress has been ordering them to do this for A WHILE NOW, but Donald Trump hasn't wanted to, because he is in romantic love with Vladimir Putin, and besides, he wouldn't be president if it hadn't been for Putin, right? We are guessing the Treasury Department hid these new sanctions in a bucket of Big Macs, or else told Trump all the Russians on the list were big stakeholders in Amazon. Or maybe they put the list of names in his briefing with a big all caps note written in Sharpie that said DO NOT SANCTION.

Here is what these folks are being sanctioned for, according to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin:

The Russian government engages in a range of malign activity around the globe, including continuing to occupy Crimea and instigate violence in eastern Ukraine, supplying the Assad regime with material and weaponry as they bomb their own civilians, attempting to subvert Western democracies, and malicious cyber activities.

Goodness, Mnuchin actually said some stuff! Though, of course, he notably didn't call out Russia directly for stealing the election for Trump. But maybe that is implied in "attempting to subvert Western democracies" and "malicious cyber activities." SHHHH, DON'T TELL DONALD.

In all, according to Treasury, new sanctions are being smacked on "seven Russian oligarchs and 12 companies they own or control, 17 senior Russian government officials, and a state-owned Russian weapons trading company and its subsidiary, a Russian bank." Remember what we were saying recently about how the last sanctions were literally the least they could do? THESE ARE BETTER! They are not everything that's needed, but they are better.

Here are a couple newly sanctioned folks you might be interested in:

Oleg Deripaska! That guy Paul Manafort stole/laundered all the money from!

Guess the Robert Mueller Trump-Russia investigation isn't TOTAL fake news, because oh boy, Deripaska's name comes up a hell of a lot in that! The Treasury Department notes:

Deripaska has been investigated for money laundering, and has been accused of threatening the lives of business rivals, illegally wiretapping a government official, and taking part in extortion and racketeering. There are also allegations that Deripaska bribed a government official, ordered the murder of a businessman, and had links to a Russian organized crime group.

Most recently seen in the pages of Wonkette in a piece about how he is MOMMYBLOGGING AT THE DAILY CALLER, Deripaska is known as Putin's FAVORITE oligarch. Paul Manafort worked for him for a very long time, for the "benefit" of Putin, and proceeded to either steal or launder a shitload of money from him. During the 2016 election season, Manafort offered Deripaska super secret sexxxxy briefings about the campaign, for OH WHO KNOWS WHY reason. Also, his former girlfriend is in a Thai prison right now saying she has mounds of evidence from Deripaska's yacht of a gigantic campaign to interfere with the election.

Buncha big companies Big Oleg owns/controls are on the list too.

Deripaska's favorite color is "murder" and his favorite thing to do on a first date is "murder," allegedly.

Oh hi, Alexander Torshin, the NRA's favorite Russian!

If Oleg Deripaska is Putin's favorite, then Torshin is the NRA's favorite. We've been getting to know him a lot recently, as Robert Mueller is VERY JUST WONDERING if Torshin might have laundered funds through the NRA and into the Trump campaign. Torshin is an NRA lifetime member, and has been instrumental in selling the Russian people on the wonders of the Second Amendment. (There are no plans to bring any of the other amendments to Russia. Sorry, Russians!) Torshin is also way up Trump's ass, and even ate dinner with fellow raging gun-humper Donald Trump Jr. at a 2016 NRA convention in Louisville.

Torshin, a former member of the Russian Duma and also a "former" FSB guy (Russian spy), is the Deputy Governor of the Central Bank of the Russian Federation, and he is a creepo mafia criminal guy currently under investigation by the Spaniards, for money laundering.

Torshin's favorite Disney cartoon character is Jafar and he is a five time champion at the Kremlin's annual "Mister Personality" pageant, which is a thing the Kremlin totally does.

Kirill Shamalov, Vladimir Putin is the dad-in-law of you!

We didn't know much about Shamalov, except how he is in the oil 'n' gas bidness and his wife is Putin's daughter. But ooh we bet Putin hates it when you fuck with his FAMBLY.

On top of those, there are also a good handful of other people, places and things on the list, including a buncha folks from Russian energy giant Gazprom. Read the whole report from Treasury here!

Of course, there are many other oligarchs that SHOULD have been on this list, but who haven't been touched yet. Like for instance German Khan, dad-in-law of Alexander van der Zwaan, who recently had to GO TO JAIL for lying to the FBI in Robert Mueller's probe. Khan, of course, is the co-owner of Alfa Bank in Moscow, which seems to be very strangely inter-connected with the Trump-Russia scandal. And also many others! Keep going, Treasury Department! You're not finished yet! Keep tricking Trump into doing sanctions!

Regardless, there are enough people and entities on this list that the Russians will be mighty pissed off. What are they going to do, sanction Bill Gates? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LIKE BILL GATES CARES WHAT SOME FUCKING TWO-BIT RUSSIAN DICKWITS DO.

In summary and in conclusion, we are mildly impressed, and we hope Putin doesn't release the Trump pee tape in retaliation, just kidding he can release it, just kidding that would be bad, oh well, you do you, Vladimir Putin, you trash hole fuck pube.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? That is called your conscience. Listen to it! It is right sometimes!

[Treasury Department]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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