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Donald J. "Fuck You and Your Dumb Loser Moron Mother" Trump told us he is worth "TEN BILLION DOLLARS," and now we get to find out how much he is lying about that. Forbes says he is only worth a piddly no-all-caps $4 billion, and he is only #405 on the list of richest fucks in America, what a loser. The 92-page financial disclosure report, required of all presidential candidates, has finally been released so we can see whether Donald Trump's assets are in fact as YOOOGE as his balls. For example:

Donald J. Trump earns about $250,000 per speech. He holds at least $265 million in debt. And he receives income of $110,000 from a pension with the Screen Actors Guild.

Also, he makes money from investing in a wide range of classy stuff, like Target (fuck you, Macy's!), and cigarette maker Altria (formerly known as Philip Morris), and also Whole Foods, so you can feel extra good knowing that when you shop for that overpriced vegan yuppie tofu chow, you're helping to make Donald Trump EVEN MORE RICHER! Good for you, liberals, have a gluten-free cookie.


Donald The Trump is also the boss of pretty much all the companies IN THE WORLD:

It shows that Mr. Trump holds executive-level positions or financial stakes with 515 entities spanning from New York to Dubai to the Brazil. [Sic, because the The New York Times doesn't have editors, apparently.]

And he likes the golden arches, because GOLD, duh:

And let us not forget that he is a published author of more than a dozen books, and they are all about how to get rich and kick ass, and go bankrupt and then get rich even more and kick ass even more, like Donald Trump. For example, Trump: The Art of The Comeback and How To Get Rich and Think Big And Kick Ass In Business And In Life. But nobody buys those books anymore, SAD, so his income from those is "none (or less than $201)." But that's OK, because he more more than none dollars on other stuff, like back-coming and getting rich and kicking ass, in other ways.

The Trumpster also has many limited liability corporations, about 240 of them, that are named Trump This LLC, and Trump That LLC, and Trump You Right In Your Face LLC. He is so good at LLCing. Maybe we will read some of his books to learn how to do that, and get rich, and kick ass.

In conclusion, Donald Trump is a rich motherfucker, but maybe not as rich as he said, but still pretty fucking rich, so sure, we should make him president of All Of Us LLC, why not?

[Forbes / WSJ / NYT]

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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