ICYMI: Adults Can Read Whatever The Hell We Want


Were you "busy" (being stupid) yesterday? Did you not have time to look at every single thing we did on Happy Nice Time People, you FUCKING MONSTERS? Well, don't worry, we've got your back. Here are the most important stories in the world from yesterday!

Adults can read whatever the fuckety fuck they want, were you aware, Slate? [Editrix's note: Ms. Sara Benincasa unaccountably nixed our proposed headline, "Slate Can Go Do Sex With Itself Right In The Ear." Sara Benincasa is weird.]

We analyze some very AESTHETICALLY NICE photographs of fundie dads who might want to hump their daughters.

50 Cent says he is physically injured due to too much jagging off.

Andrew WK sang an amazing jam about Pat Buchanan and the McLaughlin Group.

These teens want you to dance industrial in a totally gothtastic manner.

Colbert is yr new King of Campaign Finance Reformz.

A lady massaged a cat.

A planthropomorphic avocado emailed us.

We started a new HNTP tradition: Throwback Thursday photos of us AND you!

We got into the Google Glass discussion with fun barbs and wit!

Yr Editrix wrote a hilarious review of this hilarious NY Times review of "Blended."

And yr beloved 19 Kids and Counting recap!

Those are Katie Price's boobs, btw. Enjoy, you sick fucks.



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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...



In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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