Were you "busy" (being stupid) yesterday? Did you not have time to look at every single thing we did on Happy Nice Time People, you FUCKING MONSTERS? Well, don't worry, we've got your back. Here are the most important stories in the world from yesterday!

Adults can read whatever the fuckety fuck they want, were you aware, Slate? [Editrix's note: Ms. Sara Benincasa unaccountably nixed our proposed headline, "Slate Can Go Do Sex With Itself Right In The Ear." Sara Benincasa is weird.]

We analyze some very AESTHETICALLY NICE photographs of fundie dads who might want to hump their daughters.

50 Cent says he is physically injured due to too much jagging off.

Andrew WK sang an amazing jam about Pat Buchanan and the McLaughlin Group.

These teens want you to dance industrial in a totally gothtastic manner.

Colbert is yr new King of Campaign Finance Reformz.

A lady massaged a cat.

A planthropomorphic avocado emailed us.

We started a new HNTP tradition: Throwback Thursday photos of us AND you!

We got into the Google Glass discussion with fun barbs and wit!

Yr Editrix wrote a hilarious review of this hilarious NY Times review of "Blended."

And yr beloved 19 Kids and Counting recap!

Those are Katie Price's boobs, btw. Enjoy, you sick fucks.