Idiot Republican Changes Name, Seems Pretty Sure Latino Voters Don't Know Cesar Chavez Is Dead
Let's say you're a complete unknown in Arizona who failed to win as a write-in Tea Party candidate for Congress in 2012, and then lost a campaign for Phoenix City Council in 2013. Maybe you'd have better luck with some name recognition? So former nobody Scott Fistlerlegally changed his name to "Cesar Chavez" and is now running as a Democrat to replace retiring congressman Ed Pastor. Can't possibly go wrong, because your Latino voters are going to see the name of the famous guy on there and figure that after dying in 1993, the activist and civil rights leader has rested up and deserves a seat in Congress.
We do have to at least agree that this much of Fistler/Chavez's story sounds plausible: Fistler's name change petition, filed last November, said plaintively, "I have experienced many hardships because of my name[.]" No doubt.
And just look at the huge mass rallies in favor of this fantastic candidate, as seen in these photos from his campaign webpage:
Never mind that the top photo is of supporters of late Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, and the middle one is of a march honoring the California labor leader in Kansas. And the bottom one is Venezuela too.
Still, New Chavez guy tells the Arizona Republic, he's a totally legit guy:
"It's almost as simple as saying Elvis Presley is running for president," Chavez, the candidate, said in a phone interview. "You wouldn't forget it, would you?" [...]
"People want a name that they can feel comfortable with," Chavez said. "If you went out there running for office and your name was Bernie Madoff, you'd probably be screwed."
Plus, he's got all kinds of qualifications, like "My name is on a lot of popular things," he says. And also, he's a military veteran, although he declined to tell the paper which branch of the service he was in, possibly to avoid compromising the safety of agents still in the field, we bet. He also wouldn't confirm to the reporters whether he actually was the person formerly known as Scott Fistler, saying only, "I feel right in everything I do. I never broke the law," and if those don't sound like the words of someone who's ready to be in Congress, what would?
Also, too, he didn't want to say, one way or the other, whether he's as Hispanic as his name: "I like to look at people as Americans and citizens of the world."
People familiar with the real candidates trying to succeed Rep. Pastor aren't especially worried that Emilio Fistlervez will fool many voters, seeing as how the real Cesar Chavez is pretty well-known as a hero who has rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
While Yr Doktor Zoom is leery of endorsing anyone with a fake name (since what are they hiding, huh?), we are definitely hoping that this guy gets enough signatures to make the ballot, and that please, dear god please, he's included in any televised debates.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He is pleased to announce his write-in candidacy for U.S. Senate as Ronaldreagan Georgewashington Jesuschristalmighty.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.