Idiot Tennessee Rep Knows All The Christians Are Being Holocausted, Just Can't Say Where

For some reason, the voters of Tennessee's 7th District keep sending Republican Marsha Blackburn back to the House of Representatives, dunno why, because Tennessee, we guess? Blackburn's your standard-issue lady Republican: she knows that women don't really care about equal pay; the cause of climate change, if it even exists, is debatable because a handful of shills for the fossil fuels industry say so; affordable health care that doesn't suck is bad; abortion is bad; and hey, what if the Boston bombers had Obamaphones, HUH? She's also proud to call herself "CongressMAN," rather than "Congresswoman," hooray for feminism.


However, despite being a member of the ironically titled Republican Study Committee -- the formerly most conservative caucus in the House until some splitters formed the Freedom Caucus to be even more conservative -- Blackburn has not been doing her GOP Talking Points homework. Addressing the South Carolina Freedom Summit over the weekend, Blackburn had no problem claiming that Christians are being persecuted around the world, and that even in this country right here, "we've got some issues" and "we want to make certain that individuals have the right to continue to worship, and to exercise their religious beliefs." Because everyone knows what a problem that is in America these days. So of course, when asked, Blackburn was able to rattle off a long list of examples:

You know there have been several lately. I can't give you a specific right off the cuff. I'm sorry.

Christ, lady, we don't even believe this nonsense about the persecution of Christians in America, because of how it is nonsense, but we can certainly name some examples for you:

  • In Oregon, a mean judge told a nice Christian baker she had to pay a fine for violating state law by refusing to make gay wedding cakes. And then Satan himself told GoFundMe to take down her page because GoFundMe cannot be used to raise money for law-breaking stuff. OPPRESSION!

  • In Washington, a nice Christian florist is being persecuted for refusing to make gay floral arrangement for a gay wedding of her long-time gay customer whom she loves, but not as much as she loves her "relationship with Jesus Christ," who told her he will have to end their relationship if she makes gay wedding floral arrangements, but gay floral arrangements not for gay weddings are still OK. Might as well feed her to the lions.

  • In Iowa, a nice Christian newspaper editor was fired just for writing about how The Gays are going to burn in hell for gaying, proving the gaystapo is real because they had him fired just for his religious beliefs.

  • In Michigan, a nice Christian mechanic said on the internets that he will NOT do mechanic stuff to gay cars owned by gays, and people said "That's mean, you're a dick," so persecution, obviously.

  • Bill O'Reilly has said, repeatedly, that it's "open season" on Christians everywhere in America. And he's never wrong, so it must be true.

  • Rick Santorum has it on good authority (the voices in his head) that the Nazis are just about to round up all the Christians, just like they did during the Holocaust.

  • And let us not forget -- Never Forget! -- the start of Kristallnacht 2015, when the owners of a pizzeria in Indiana were literally Holocausted into hiding and literally became the next Anne Frank, just for expressing their religious beliefs that they don't want no homos eating their pizza. After which they were persecuted SO HARD, they collected nearly a million bucks from people sympathetic to their cause.

There ya go, Rep. Blackburn, we just did your work for you. Next time someone asks you to give specific examples of the persecution of Christians in America, feel free to use any of those several examples. You'll definitely look smarter saying "Yes, those pizza bigots who were Holocausted" than "Gosh, I can't think of any at all." We promise.



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