Idiot Trump Lawyer Incredibly Good At Stepping On Own Dick Repeatedly

Smart guy

Which idiot Trump lawyer got to be the unlucky soul to go on TV and try to defend Trump Junior's Russian Canoodlings this weekend? Marc Kasowitz? Nah! He was still recovering from ApplebeesGate, which is what we're calling the thing that happened Wednesday night when Kasowitz was MAYBE at the Applebee's gettin' a little TOO CRAZY with the happy hour specials, so when a Rachel Maddow viewer emailed and politely told him to resign, he started (allegedly!) drunk-texting like a common drunk person, like "BITCH PLEASE!" and "I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!" What about Alan Futerfas, Junior's new lawyer? Yeah let's not, because there was news this weekend that the Trump campaign actually retained Futerfas WEEKS before Junior's Russian sexxxting emails came out. Mean journalists would probably want to ask about that, and whether the timing might JUST COINCIDENTALLY line up with when Jared Kushner suddenly remembered, after ALREADY suddenly remembering 100+ foreign contacts he done forgetted to report on his security clearance filings, that he met with a "Russian government lawyer" but did NOT remember meeting with her Russian hacker companion.

So Jay Sekulow got to to on the TV! He did ALL FIVE SUNDAY SHOWS! If you'll remember, Sekulow is the weirdo wingnut fundamentalist Christian lawyer who's on Trump's legal team because we guess he's the best Trump can afford. Sekulow's main points on the Sunday shows were that Donald Trump didn't know about Junior's Russian meeting (which was totally legal and above-board!), it was the Secret Service's fault, and also James Comey and Hillary Clinton colluded with Benghazi to steal the election for Ukraine. Or something.

To get a really good idea of what we mean, you should watch Sekulow fight with Fox News's Chris Wallace for almost 15 minutes:

Wallace wanted Sekulow to acknowledge that all the Trump White House's changing stories surrounding Junior's Big Gay Russian Orgy are "at the very least suspect." In response, Sekulow yammered his stupid face off about how James Comey "illegally leaked" things to the press. (He illegally leaked NOTHING.) After Wallace finally convinced Sekulow that the question he asked had nothing to do with Comey (it took a while), Sekulow said, "I do not think the denial by the president of the United States is suspect at all." Um well OK!

Sekulow explained that Junior's meeting with the Russians wasn't a Russian meeting, despite how it was a meeting with Russians. (No for real he said that!) Moreover, did you hear that the Ukrainians did the same exact collusion with Hillary Clinton? (They didn't. Keep reading, for CNN's Jake Tapper will kick Sekulow's ass about this later on in this post!)

And even if Junior and Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner went to Junior's meeting because they wanted to do big dirty conspiracies with Russia to hurt Hillary, they (allegedly) didn't get the goods, so Sekulow says no harm no foul. Crimes are not crimes unless you are SUCCESSFUL at doing the crime, which is why nobody in America is in jail for attempted murder right now.

And besides, Sekulow asked, doesn't EVERYBODY do TOTALLY NORMAL OPPOSITION RESEARCH like this? Wallace replied, "It doesn't go on all the time with the Russians, JAY." Regardless, Sekulow reassured the Fox News audience that nothing about the meeting was "illegal" or "against the law." (That we know of! So far! Allegedly!)

Things got super weird when ABC News reporter Jonathan Karl interviewed Sekulow for the "This Week" program. You see, Sekulow pulled a GOTCHA! out of his bunghole by pointing out that if there was some big "problem" with Junior meeting with that passel of Russians, then the Secret Service would have stopped it, wouldn't they? GOTCHA!

KARL: ... [D]o you accept what we heard from the president’s pick to run the FBI, that what should’ve happened there, you know, a situation where you have representatives of a foreign government offering assistance to ― in an election, that what should’ve happened is that the FBI should’ve been notified?

SEKULOW: Well, I wonder why the Secret Service, if this was nefarious, why the Secret Service allowed these people in. The president had Secret Service protection at that point, and that raised a question with me.

It only "raised a question" with him because he's not very bright. Reuters quotes Secret Service spokesman Mason Brayman, who notes that in June of 2016, Dumbfuck Junior didn't have Secret Service protection, therefore they wouldn't give two flying fucks how he was wasting his life that day:

"Donald Trump, Jr. was not a protectee of the USSS in June, 2016. Thus we would not have screened anyone he was meeting with at that time," the statement said.

Good try, Jay Sekulow! You know what Secret Service agents do for a living ALMOST PERFECTLY. Except not.

Let's watch idiot boy on "Meet The Press":

SPOILER SURPRISE! Sekulow spent half that interview talking about James Comey doing ILLEGAL LEAKS. It's like it's an agreed upon talking point, or maybe "COMEY IS A LEAKER!" is the new "BENGHAZIZIIZIZI!!!!!!1!" for addled-brained wingnuts.

Also, apparently James Comey got a book deal, which according to Jay Sekulow proves ... SOMETHING. He is not sure what, but hey, he's not getting paid to use his noodle, he's getting paid to lie on TV for ThinSkin McPussGrab.

Here's a fun exchange on CNN's "State Of The Union" with Jake Tapper:

TAPPER: Are you willing to acknowledge that, regardless of the legality here, this was wrong and a violation of civic honor?

SEKULOW: [Many words that amount to "I'm not answering that question."] And the situation with the email exchange that was released by Donald Trump Jr., and what was described there is, look at it compared to for instance the situation with the Ukrainians, the DNC and the Clinton campaign.

TAPPER: The moment that there's an FBI investigation or Senate and House Intelligence Committee investigations into Ukraine and the DNC and the Clinton campaign, I'm happy to discuss it, but that's not what's going on right now ...

SEKULOW: Isn't that interesting that there isn't one, but go ahead, Jake.

TAPPER: The reason why is because nobody from the Ukrainian government met with anybody from the Clinton campaign.

Take that, stupid motherfucker.

Sekulow also told Tapper he doesn't think Junior did any other Russian conspiracy meetings besides this one, but was careful to remind everyone he is DADDY'S lawyer, not JUNIOR'S lawyer. So we guess it's entirely possible Junior did A LOT OF RUSSIAN CONSPIRACY MEETINGS.

Finally, Business Insider notes that another theme came up this weekend, and it was whether President FuckStump McOrange might use his powers to go ahead and pre-emptively pardon all his friends and lovers, in case special counsel Robert Mueller finds real crimes:

On "This Week," Sekulow refused to rule out whether Trump would pardon his son, Manafort, or Kushner if they were convicted of crimes related to the investigation.

"I have not had the conversation with the president about any of that, and I wouldn’t share it if I did because of the attorney-client privilege," Sekulow said.

"He can pardon individuals, of course, that’s because the founders of our country put that in the United States Constitution, the power to pardon. But I have not had those conversations, so I couldn’t speculate on that."

So we'll mark that one down as "You bet your ass he will!"

So! What have we learned? Nothing, the answer is nothing. Feel free to go back to whatever you were doing before you clicked on this.

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[Real Clear Politics / Huffington Post / Reuters / Business Insider]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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