Idiots: Hurricane Harvey Caused By Lesbians Witches Katy Perry Abortion Illuminati And Democrats, But NOT CLIMATE CHANGE!!1!

Have you been looking at the footage of the devastation caused by Hurricane Harvey and thinking to yourself, "You know what this whole thing really needs is someone to announce that the blame for this natural disaster really falls squarely on the shoulders of gay people and women who have abortions!" I know I have. After all, if a horrific storm floods an entire city and no one is there to blame it on sluts and gays, did it even really happen?

Now, with Pat Robertson -- whose job it traditionally is to place such blame -- in the hospital after having fallen from a horse recently (get well soon, Pat!), and Tony Perkins likely keeping his mouth shut given that own house was destroyed by floods in Louisiana last year, someone had to pick up the slack. And that person, we are thrilled to report, is "Coach" Dave Daubenmire.

Yes. According to the "Coach," this giant flood is Houston's punishment for abortion and having previously elected a lesbian mayor. The current mayor is a heterosexual black man, but apparently god works on tape delay.

Daubenmire ranted:

“Houston, we got a problem here. Could some of the problems be the result of the judgment of God coming your way because of the slaughter of unborn children? You had a lesbian mayor who wanted to look at the prayers of pastors in their churches. What? It’s a debaucherous!

“People tell me that, that Houston, Texas, is one of the darkest cities in America. Isn’t it amazing? Katrina slammed New Orleans — we know about voodoo and the darkness in New Orleans. Then it moved right down the coast to Houston, Texas, which isn't far away, five hours right down the Gulf of Mexico. Boom, here it comes, now it’s underwater. Water is a sign of judgment and cleansing. Is now not the time for the voice of the church to rise up and declare, ‘Let’s stop killing the babies!'”

Now I'm taking you on a different angle, and I don’t want this to appear to be judgmental, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I don't know what else to do.”

Oh yes. He certainly wouldn't want to appear judgmental! Godforbid! But also this natural disaster was definitely caused by women having abortions and gay people existing and, um, "darkness." What else could it possibly be? Climate change? Well, that would just be silly!

Just ask noted climate scientist Ann Coulter!

Not everyone is convinced, however, that this is all the fault of sluts and gays. Some think it is the fault of the POWER ELITE, who control our weather for, um, reasons?

That's the tack they're taking over at The Liberty Beacon, where they believe that "weather manipulation has been and is currently Weaponized by the Power Elite for use against Humanity":

“As I said in the video, as soon as this storm reaches the shore, On-Land Water Vapor Generation from Texas, Louisiana, etc., will take over fueling this storm, and that process has already begun. Already the tell-tale On-Land Bursts have begun in Texas and Louisiana, and it’s going to get much, much worse. When this storm is fully over land, all of these sources will be running, and massive flooding is guaranteed.

It’s also no coincidence that Hurricane Harvey is hitting the United States, 25 years to the day after Hurricane Andrew hit Florida. Since all of these storms are very clearly and very obviously deliberated manufactured, this “Anniversary Hurricane” was clearly intentional."

SEEMS LEGIT! Also, anyone who disagrees with you about this online is either a paid shill or a robot.

They are stepping up the programs of distraction and misinformation on all levels, including the formation of “groups” on Facebook loaded with Paid Shills and Trolls to keep you arguing with each other and fomenting discord in the narrative wherever and whenever they can. Some comments back to you are AI generated by computer, with no real human involved. Remember your best defense is to “stick to the truth and facts.” One last thing… keep an open mind to your “legit” fellow activists as they bring new information into the GeoEngineering Arena of Discussion and Disclosure. To think the Power Elites only use one form of GeoEngineering and one form of techknowledgey, is indeed short sighted.

Oh, those wacky power elites! Always trying to convince people they're not purposely creating hurricanes for no particular reason, except to celebrate the anniversary of another hurricane. Which makes all of the sense when you do not really think about it.

Now, we're not quite sure who Alex Jones is blaming for the hurricane -- could be gays, could be the power elite, could be aliens trying to build landing strips for gay martians, so they can come collect child slaves to work on Mars -- but he does have a theory about why Houston was not evacuated.

Obviously, it was to make Donald Trump "look bad." You know, because we need help with that when he keeps tweeting things like this:

Here he goes...

Jones is, of course, just asking questions. Like whether Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner is “just completely negligent, insane" OR if he is "conscious of what he’s doing and they’re wanting to blame Trump so they want to make the disaster as bad as possible?”

Actually, the reason they chose not to evacuate the city is because the last time that was done, during Hurricane Rita, there were at least 155 deaths that occurred as a direct result of said evacuation. Far more than would have been caused by the storm alone. Or, sure, it could be a completely absurd ploy to make Trump look bad.

Jones knows not to put this past us, what with our desire to just destroy the country and make it so blue collar workers cannot have jobs:

“The same way they sabotage culture, the same way they admit with Cloward and Piven they want to bankrupt the nation, the same way it came out in lawsuits this year that they want to bankrupt Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac so that small business owners and blue collar workers can’t have a home and have the American dream.”

Ugh. He totally has us figured out!

There were also some real good theories on YouTube about how how the illuminati have something to do with Harvey. I didn't even watch this one, tbh, but holy crap that title.

I, for one, had no idea that Glen Campbell was murdered by the Illuminati. Super weird that they let him live all the way to 81, suffering terrible Alzheimer's for a very long time, before they offed him, sadface :(.

Also Katy Perry is somehow involved, because OF COURSE she is.

Oh, also Harvey is a message from Jesus, along with the eclipse that the rapture is coming, according to this lady wearing a sunhat indoors:

So, in summation, Hurricane Harvey was caused by the power elite for reasons, after they murdered Glen Campbell, but also by god to punish Houston for having once elected a lesbian mayor and women for having abortions, and also Katy Perry, then the city refused to evacuate hoping that people would die and make Donald Trump look bad, but none of that really matters anyway because the rapture is coming.

But it definitely has nothing to do with climate change!

[RightWingWatch 1 | RightWingWatch 2]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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