If It's Sunday, President Whine-Stupid Gonna Whine On Twitter ALL DAMN DAY
We've written this post countless times since Donald Trump accidentally became the 45th president of the United States. But hell, let's do it again, and trust that one day all of this will be over, and we won't be able to report that the president spent his Sunday seemingly curled up in a ball locked in the bathroom crying and tweeting and pooping out lamentations about how it all went so terribly, horribly wrong.
And of course, because the 45th president of the United States isn't known for going to work in the morning, he's still going. In fact, let's just skip to the end to see where he's ended up:
Oh yes. Anthony Scaramucci goes on TV a lot right now, and he hurts the president's feelings when he does that. Trump, because he is a sad pathetic pissbaby, feels the need to respond. For a counterpoint, read what Scaramucci currently thinks about Trump, which can be generally summarized as "Oh my God, this jackass."
But let's go back to Sunday morning! (We'd start on Saturday, but if we did, the post would be 4,000 words long, and also we're pretty sure the president has already forgotten that Saturday ever happened, so it must not be important.)
Trump is upset about the same thing all prominent Republicans are pretending to be upset about, which is that the New York Times got CAUGHT RED-HANDED doing the LIBERAL FAKE NEWS AGENDA to POOR, PUT-UPON DONALD TRUMP. Y'hear about that one? As with most things conservatives whine and bitch and blubber about, you'd be correct to assume it's all a figment of their imagination.
A transcript of a "crisis town hall" held by the paper's leadership leaked, wherein executive editor Dean Baquet talked about how the paper now has to shift its coverage from Russia (stupid, since that story isn't actually over) to racism (which the paper should be doing in the Trump era anyway):
This is a really hard story, newsrooms haven't confronted one like this since the 1960s. It got trickier after [inaudible] … went from being a story about whether the Trump campaign had colluded with Russia and obstruction of justice to being a more head-on story about the president's character. We built our newsroom to cover one story, and we did it truly well. Now we have to regroup, and shift resources and emphasis to take on a different story. [...]
[T]his one is a story about what it means to be an American in 2019. It is a story that requires deep investigation into people who peddle hatred, but it is also a story that requires imaginative use of all our muscles to write about race and class in a deeper way than we have in years.
This isn't a post about the Times stepping on its dick, as we have 80 other posts per week about that. But the way conservatives are caterwauling, you'd think Baquet just admitted that he personally made up the Trump-Russia collusion story (the Mueller Report found collusion, shitloads of it), and that now he's decided to make up a brand new imaginary story about Trump being a racist. (The 1619 Project looks excellent, by the way, and according to Stephen, who's writing about it right this second, it is!) Maybe it's projection, since their primary media organ Fox News is basically a mouthpiece for whatever propaganda Trump prematurely ejaculates from his blowhole.
Cue the president's Sunday morning whining:
Can somebody get the president his lucky buttplug so he'll STFU his dumb ass? Thanks.
He still doesn't get how much America despises him.
We can think of one way to do that, but the Constitution says we can't do it until next November. Or he could, you know, quit.
Moving into the afternoon, Trump lied and tried to make like China isn't wiping the floor with used copies of The Art Of The Deal:
And he lied and tried to act like our economy is doing just AWESOME, as if he didn't just finish a week of whining about the "CRAZY INVERTED YIELD CURVE," which is a sign that his recession may be approaching.
And he whined about a black man on Fox News:
Wait ... he's saying Juan Williams was a decent human being to him in public? And yet he criticizes him on TV? It's almost like he has good manners or something. Guess his parents raised him better than Trump's parents did.
He whined about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Plus Four, because we guess in the eyes of the syphilitic wombats currently (ALLEGEDLY!) breeding inside the president's brain cavity, the squad is multiplying:
Trump spent much of the rest of his day retweeting weird shut-ins you've never heard of, and also Fox Business's Maria Bartiromo. We don't have time to psychoanalyze each retweet, so we'll just let these stand in as examples of the continued emptiness of Trump's life:
Why yes, that IS crazy ass Omar Navarro, the perennial candidate who runs against Maxine Waters all the time, who most recently showed up on Wonkette in a story about how he maybe hired Jacob Wohl to torment and harass his ex-girlfriend, who has a restraining order against him. Donald Trump only retweets the best people, after all.
All in all, Trump's Sunday was no more joyless than all his other Sundays, because he's an empty, unloved loser whose brain appears to be dissolving before our very eyes. Somebody should add him to their Netflix account or something.
He appears to have gone outside at one point, to whine:
If Donald Trump was your dad, you'd put him in a home and "forget" to visit him ever again.
LATE BREAKING UPDATE: He's still tweeting.
Yeah ... um ... well ... the president saw something on Fox News, everyone! And he doesn't quite know what "Google" does!
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