Last week, Lindsey Graham greeted the end of the Robert Mueller investigation with all the seriousness that comes with being the chairman of the powerful Senate Judiciary Committee. Just kidding, he did a news conference where he fake exonerated Trump of all Russian crimes, feigned a desire for transparency, then begged Attorney General Bill Barr on camera to appoint a new special counsel, in order to investigate the first special counsel, and also to LOCK HER UP, because that's what the voices in Lindsey Graham's head say must be done. This came after a weekend Graham spent at Mar-a-Lago doing god the fuck knows what, probably gazing into Donald Trump's eyes and hoping the president would see fit to throw a treat so he could jump up in the air and catch it in his mouth. It was embarrassing, it was debasing, and it was exactly what we have come to expect from Graham, who we're beginning to think might be li'l bit compromised in some way! (Just kidding, we have thought that about him forever.)

Let's take a look at what Lindsey Graham has been up to since we visited him last. It's been a real shitshow:

Hillary Clinton Isn't In Jail And Lindsey Graham Says That Makes Bill Barr Cry

One thing we knew about Bill Barr when he was appointed was that on top of being a hack who's willing to destroy whatever reputation he has by performing as Donald Trump's Roy Cohn, he is a dipshit who has expressed that he thinks Hillary Clinton should be investigated more for RUSSIAN URANIUMS, a story that has been entirely debunked for all but those who live life with their thumbs up their asses.

Well, apparently Barr is just really upset, according to Graham, that Hillary Clinton wasn't LOCK HER UPPED for her alleged email crimes, and Graham doesn't know what exactly Barr is going to do about that, but he's sure hoping it's a second special counsel --HAS HE MENTIONED THAT? -- so we can spend the 2020 election season talking about ... Hillary Clinton! It's not like the GOP has anything else to run on, like a sentient and accomplished president or a list of achievements or anything.

He explained to Fox Business's Maria Bartiromo on Sunday:

Sen. Lindsey Graham: DOJ wanted Hillary Clinton to win presidency

I know Bill Barr pretty well, and he's pretty upset about the way all this was handled.

Not that he wanted to speak for Bill Barr or anything. He was just saying that Bill Barr is very sad about Hillary Clinton. Maybe that's why it's taking him so long to get the fucking Mueller report to Jerry Nadler, because of how he's currently sobbing about Hillary Clinton.

I don't know if he's going to have a special prosecutor to look at the probability of criminal misbehavior. I'm going to look at what happened from an oversight role. But I hope there's a special counsel appointed to look at DOJ corruption and political bias, you know?

Not really.

Graham just wants everybody to know that Hillary Clinton got away with MURDERRRR (not literally), and that the election was rigged, because the noted Code Pink installation known as the Justice Department was in the tank for Hillary:

I just want the American public to know that the standard used against Clinton is an outlier, it's not the way business is done. And why did they choose that path? I think they had a political bias ā€” they wanted Clinton to win, Trump to lose, and here's the point: How could she win if the Department of Justice indicted her? I think that's what drove the decision not to indict. They wanted her to win.

Oh yeah, and he says we really need to investigate THE DOSSIER some more, because Graham (like a fucking idiot) believes Devin Nunes's conspiracy theory about how the only reason the FBI got a FISA warrant on Carter Page was because of THE DOSSIER. It's not true, but hey, wait a minute, isn't that the same THE DOSSIER Graham finally admitted last week that he told John McCain should be taken to the FBI?


Lindsey Graham Thinks He's Ariel From The Little Mermaid, Don't Think He's Seen The Movie

Lindsey Graham said these words, with his mouth, in an interview last week:

"President Trump has been good to me in the sense that he's allowed me in his world," Graham said. "He's made decisions, I think, based on some input I've given him. He's subject to changing his mind, and I want him to be successful."

It's amazing because it came in an interview last week about Trump's constant gross attacks on Graham's dead friend John McCain. Graham ended up just gushing that Donald Trump invites him over and lets him play with his toys, and sometimes he even listens to him. At which point the entire internet got a mental picture of Lindsey Graham learning to use a fork for the first time while dressed as a mermaid and everybody had to bleach their eyes with dinglehoppers, which is probably what Lindsey Graham calls forks now, if we're being honest.

And Just In Case You Weren't Sure Lindsey Graham Is A Wholly Owned Subsidiary Of Donald Trump Now ...

Oh yeah, Graham is on Twitter right this second defending Trump's threats to SHUT DOWN the border with Mexico.

But we're supposed to keep pretending Lindsey Graham is still a serious person and the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, and not some lost soul conspiracy theorist dipshit fucking moron who exists these days mostly because he thinks he sees a twinkle in Donald Trump's eyes when Trump looks at him.

It's fucking sad, y'all. This guy used to be a United States Senator. These days, he might still have that title, but he doesn't have fuck-all else.

[Daily Caller / Newsweek]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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