FINALLY. Of course, we say "finally," because we haven't been behind the scenes in the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees to witness the negotiating and wrangling firsthand, so we don't know what it's taken to make this happen, but clear your calendars for July 17, because Bobby Mueller is goin' to Congress!

Committee chairs Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler sent the letter late yesterday, accompanied by a subpoena, for Mueller to testify at 9 a.m. Eastern on July 17, which is a Wednesday, so you will presumably not be busy with brunch. The hearings for each committee will be back to back, after which members of Mueller's staff will meet with committee staff behind closed doors.

Schiff told Rachel Maddow last night that it should not be viewed as a friendly subpoena, because as we all know, Mueller has been very reluctant to become the star of the political circus this will surely create. However, he's gonna have to suck it up, because as we all saw after what happened when Mueller addressed the nation for 10 whole minutes, there is great value in actually having Mueller breathe life into his own work, for an American audience that hasn't read his 448-page report. (And we don't blame them/you! We probably wouldn't have read it all if it wasn't our job. It would probably be on our "list," like "someday I am going to watch 'The Sopranos' start to finish finally. And then I will read the Mueller Report!")

Point is, it needs to happen on live TV, where people can gather around at work and on the train and in the Fantastic Sams while they gets their hair did, and let this highly respected public servant tell the story of how America's most hostile enemy attacked the 2016 election in order to help Donald Trump, how the Trump campaign was positively orgasmic over that reacharound, and how Trump criminally obstructed the investigation into that hostile foreign attack at every turn.

And because Robert Mueller is a patriotic American who respects the rule of law and our institutions, he will be complying with the subpoena, because of fucking course he will.

Right off the bat, we have a couple of questions:

  • Congress is going to ask Mueller directly if, were it not for the Office of Legal Counsel (OLC) memo suggesting that a sitting president cannot be indicted, he would have brought obstruction of justice charges against Donald Trump. Will he say "yes," or will he say, "OH FUCK YES"?
  • Will Mueller directly address that he very obviously intended to punt the question of whether Trump is a criminal to Congress, as opposed to having Attorney General Blowhole McNotTheMama! decide those questions for himself as part of a cover-up to protect the unelected shithole president?
  • Will he get really detailed about exactly why he couldn't bring conspiracy charges against Trump or his campaign for colluding with Russia, especially the parts about how Paul Manafort and others constantly lied to him and concealed/deleted their communications with Russian spies to whom they were giving internal Trump campaign polling on Rust Belt states FOR SOME REASON?
  • Mueller said in his brief press conference that any testimony he would give to Congress would stay within the four corners of his report, not because he's trying to hide anything, but because he put it all in the report, which you were 'posed to read, DAMMIT. But we still don't know the status of the counter-intel investigation that proceeded from his investigation -- Bill Barr's been hiding it from Adam Schiff, up inside his blowhole -- which should address pressing questions like "Is Donald Trump a literal actual foreign intelligence asset for the Kremlin, witting or unwitting?" When Mueller's people meet with congressional staff behind closed doors, will Congress get some real answers?

Whatever happens, it will be must-see TV! Pre-order your liquor now!

Congressional Republicans and Trump dipshits are starting to mouth-piss out their reactions to this development. There's House Freedom Caucus poop-cannon Mark Meadows:

"Mr. Mueller better be prepared. I mean, there's a lot more questions that Republicans have than Democrats."

He added: "This is the Democrats trying to resurrect a Russia collusion narrative that the American people are tired of. And yet, Mr. Mueller has not been subject to cross examination. He will be now."

Oh yeah, we are very sure Robert Mueller is super scared of getting "cross-examined" by Louie Gohmert and Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz, you betcha, ayup, WATCH OUT, BOBBY.

For a brief roundup of Mueller's past experience being questioned by the stupidest fucking dipshits in Congress, the Washington Post has you covered. SPOILER, he's pretty good at it.

Here's Trump idiot lawyer Jay Sekulow -- who's on a dumbass rampage these past 24 hours -- sharing his feelings:

"The first thing he needs to answer is his own conflicts of interest," Jay Sekulow, a Trump lawyer, said of Mueller on Fox News Channel's "Hannity" on Tuesday night. He later added: "The whole report is incoherent."

You mean, the bullshit "conflicts" even Trump's own advisers told him were dumb as fuck, because only a person who got his law degree from clown school would think they're valid?

Lindsey Graham said some words, but we couldn't quite make out what he was saying over the deafening ass-sniffing.

And then of course there is President CrimeStupid his own self, who started out on Twitter, like he always does, when the news came out:

Ooh, is that a Jeopardy! answer, Mister President? Is the question, "What happens when Donald Trump traps a woman in a room alone with him without her consent?" Oh whoops, sorry, the Jeopardy! answer for that one would probably just be "rape." (You know, "allegedly.")

Then this morning Trump went on the Fox Business channel to SCREAM DEMENTIA WORDS at Maria Bartiromo about how Robert Mueller TERMINATED THE EMAILS, he TERMINATED THE EMAILS I TELL YOU, whose emails? THE EMAILS! Robert Mueller TERMINATED THE EMAILS! It's a CRIME!

What's a crime, President Gonoherpesyphilidementia? TERMINATING THE EMAILS IS THE CRIME!

If anyone cared about Trump's well-being, we'd imagine after that interview Trump was force-fed his brain pills and sent to his room to lie down until the manic spell passed. But nobody loves him that way, so he's probably raging through the White House residence right this second. Naked.

In summary and in conclusion, the war with Iran starts on July 17 at 9 AM Eastern.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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