Is your Nana starting to get pretty skeptical of all these stay-at-home orders, because she watches Fox News and they're telling her something nefarious and liberal is afoot, but for the most part Nana is still behaving? She's wearing a mask, she's keeping her distance, and though she's just pretty sure the holy economy must be restarted, she generally still accepts that coronavirus exists?

Laura Ingraham is here to fix that! It would seem she would like to truly LIBERATE11!!11! your Nana from the shackles of even pretending to acknowledge there is a pandemic going on (and also this mortal coil). And she wants to do it one inch from your Nana's mouth.

In a video clip from Monday night's Laura Ingraham Program About Whiteness And Power that Fox News has entitled "The 'experts' strike again," Ingraham explained that social distancing is a fake thing that has never even been studied, so come over here and let her spit on you a whole bunch, it's no big deal, all the geriatric Fox News viewers are doing it.


Ingraham: The 'experts' strike again www.youtube.com


LAURA INGRAHAM (HOST): Although intuitively I think it probably seemed like social distancing would be necessary, there was no real scientific basis for believing that, since it had never been studied.

And as one infectious disease doc told me last week, trying to stop this virus with social distancing is like trying to drive a nail through Jell-O. Viruses spread, that's what they do, they often weaken as they go and if it's like SARS, we hope it is, it'll eventually burn out as SARS did.

See? It's fine. All those scientific charts and explanations of social distancing from real scientists, those are not real science. Real science is the possibly imaginary "infectious disease doc" — was it one of those idiot rent-a-doctors from Bakersfield? — who told Laura Ingraham the thing about nails and Jell-O, so go ahead and lick that doorknob, Nana, you'll probably be fine, or maybe you'll die, it is definitely one of the two.

The social distancing thing is what's getting Ingraham all the "Look At This Goddamned Idiot" headlines this morning, because really, look at this goddamned idiot. But in the video above, she plays all her greatest coronavirus denialist hits.

  • She hurls xenophobia at China, because that keeps stupid Fox News viewers from focusing on how the reason Americans are dropping like flies is actually because Donald Trump is a massive fuckup. Everybody knows China fucked up. We get it. Move on and grow up, asshole.
  • She says the experts were wrong on literally everything, from the need for ventilators to hospital capacity to, as you see above, social distancing, which is totally fake. It's much smarter to just listen to Fox News for your science information, and if you die, YOLO! (Or the opposite of YOLO, we guess.)
  • She says the FDA was totally wrong when it did studies that found hydroxychloroquine hurts people with coronavirus and kills them dead more often. Dr. Laura Ingraham — new Dr. Laura somehow shittier than old Dr. Laura! — knows hydroxycut boner bills are awesome and why doesn't everybody acknowledge how great hydroxycut boner pills are? EAT IT, NANA. EAT IT.
  • She baselessly claims that "they" are "adding" coronavirus deaths, "retrospectively," and then does that scoffing sarcastic thing she always does, proclaiming, "No issues there, I'm sure!" It's that affect she puts on that just screams, "I would be a Mean Girl, except for Mean Girls have friends who want to be just like them, but all I got is Dinesh D'Souza,, so I guess I'm just over here in this corner by myself with Dinesh D'Souza, and he gets D'boners when I scoff."

Donald Trump's own de-balled CDC said in an internal document recently, and then immediately had to deny it, that by June, we're probably going to have one Trump 9/11 per day, as in 3,000 American deaths per day. Meanwhile, the University of Washington model that many, including the Trump administration, have relied on, cannot even keep up with new death count projections, because all these dumbass Republican governors are opening their states early — on the very days we're experiencing our highest daily coronavirus death rates to date. Right now they're estimating 135,000 Americans by the beginning of August. At the rate the Trump administration and Fox News are going, that'll get revised upward by lunchtime.

But Laura Ingraham says experts are bad and science is fake and it's perfectly safe for your Nana to fuck bareback at the early bird buffet, and if she gets sick and dies, Laura Ingraham won't be able to hear your Nana choking because she's at the bank depositing her Fox News blood money.

[transcript via Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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