Just look at them, hating America

We don't know why we are still stuck with disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's doughy fake-tanned face on our TVs all the time. He hasn't had a real job -- if you can even call being a congressman who shut down the government a "real job" -- since the '90s. There was his brief presidential run in 2012, when he subjected us to his BRILLIANT (in his own mind) ideas about moon colonies and no one gave a damn, except for South Carolina because South Carolina.

[contextly_sidebar id="2dNGD9fxgn0SamdfvPFhRHPXcQF9QvSj"]Nowadays, far as we can tell, Newt spends most of his time visiting zoos across America with his current third wife, Callista, and tweeting about how much they love animals (gross). He keeps his beeper fully charged in case The Media, who still has him on speed-dial, for some reason, needs some Has-Been Hot Takes. Also for Donald Trump, who doesn't really need Newt's sage advice because, according to Newt, and yes this is verbatim: "Trump is his own strategic brain."

On Wednesday, Newt took a break from admiring elephant a-holes to circle jerk with Sean Hannity about -- what else? -- sucky Obama who sucks so hard. Newt admired Sean's glorious glistening manhood for being "the one person who consistently talked about Bill Ayers" in 2008 and "rais[ing] the issues of who Obama really was," and then Newt squirted out this glob of Newt goo:

So, Obama is a radical left, in many ways the first anti-American president -- I mean, you go out and you watch him and you think, you know, how can you stand in front of a mural of Che Guevara, who was a murdering thug, who was viciously anti-American? How can you be seen at a ball game with a dictator who, by the way, was arresting people while Obama was arriving?

Hang on there, sparky. We know the president time-traveling back to Cuba to aid and abet the Soviets is the greatest outrage since whatever terrible thing Obama did the day before that. (Ate lunch? Yeah, probably that.) But declaring the president is anti-American for going to a ball game and taking a photograph seems a bit harsh.

Remind us, Newt Gingrich, great arbiter of patriotism and also when it is or is not OK to stick your dick in a lady who isn't your wife, how one expresses a true love of America:

There’s no question that at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.

[contextly_sidebar id="T5dhTYxkm0e5pVy9d6MwpONuvqJJuiEs"]Oh, that's right. When you really love America, like Newt Gingrich and unlike Obama, what you do is, you find yourself some nice sweet congressional aide ass to bang and then check with your current wife if she's cool with that. If she says no, you just keep on keeping on, doin' the lord's work by impeaching the president for gettin' some strange JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW, and then ditch your current wife anyway like she's a first wife with cancer.

You got that, Barack Bill Ayers Obama Castro? If you want to prove you're not anti-American, try spending less time going to the old ball game and more time cheating on your wife with Callista Gingrich, like a real patriot.

[Media Matters]


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