If Ted Cruz Doesn’t Man Up, This Conservative Celebrity Might Slice Off His Own Balls

Now THAT is what you call wrecking balls

Steve Deace is having a sad. What, you've never heard of Steve Deace? Why, he's world-famous in Iowa, as  the go-to conservative radio guy. You are simply not a Republican candidate for middle school treasurer, or U.S. president, unless and until you stop by Deace's show to shore up your batshit crazy bona fides.

Deace is a Cruz man because of course he is. But he might not be for much longer:

If anybody with the Cruz campaign ever apologizes to Ben Carson again, I may eunuch myself. Which will make my wife very, very upset.

I am desperate at this point. I will do anything, name it, name the price. As a Cruz guy, I will do anything the universe demands, that they never apologize to Ben Carson or really anybody else again.

Where do we even begin? OK, by laughing ourselves damn near to death, obviously. Butthen, after that, WHAT THE COW-TIPPINGFUCK, DUDE? If you think chopping off your own man bits will help Ted Cruz win the Republican nomination, you might be a paste-muncher. And if you think the universe demands it, you are definitely a paste-muncher. But also, if you think the problem for Cruz -- globally recognized by Republicans as the most punchy-faced shit-snorting ASSHOLE in Northern America -- is that his wimpy wishy-washy pansy ass isn't quite mean and GRRRRRR enough, well, we do not even know and cannot even.

[contextly_sidebar id="sUY9ZrkeCPTipjIny97LGa0lstvuDTZS"]However. If Mr. Deace firmly believes that offering his, er, self, to the universe will somehow help Cruz develop the testicular fortitude he's missing, we wouldn't want to talk him out of it. After a sad third-place finish in Nevada's Tuesday caucus, with a mere 21.4 percent of the vote -- behind even Marco Rubio!!! -- Cruz could definitely use the help. And this is America, after all, where you have the God-given unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness -- even if your idea of happiness is super messed up, bro.

Also, a tip: Mr. Deace might consider deballing himself live, on his own show. Just think of the ratings! However, we do recommend he seek some adult supervision from his very own junior senator, expert castrationist and prairie mohel Joni Ernst. We hear she's very good at this sort of thing.

[ Media Matters ]