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We got this screengrab on the FIRST TRY. God is good.


You guys, Ted Cruz loves dildos. LOVES THEM. Like, if he only got to take one thing to a desert island, it would be Heidi Cruz Campbell's soup, but if he got to take TWO things to a desert island, the second would be Heidi Cruz dildos. CNN's Dana Bash yanked this information out of the senator's mouth in an interview about his porn tweet, which he's still blaming on a "fella" in his office, to which we reply, GIMME A BREAK, PORN HOLE!

New York Times reporter Sopan Deb did us all a mitzvah and transcribed the full exchange, where Bash reminded Cruz of that time when he was Texas solicitor general and he VOCIFEROUSLY DEFENDED a Texas law banning the sale of mesquite BBQ Texas dildos. It wasn't that he was opposed to Texans procuring Oklahoma dildos and transporting them across state lines for dildo diddles in Dallas. That was OK. We don't know how he felt about dildos coming across the Mexican border to do jobs Texans weren't willing to do.

Cruz told Bash he only was beating off on, we mean beating up on dildos because it was HIS JOB AS SOLICITOR GENERAL, to defend the law! He didn't personally hate the dildos, no not at all:

THE MEDIA AND THE LEFT ARE OBSESSED WITH SEX. And we guess it's the fault of the "media and the left" that we think it's funny that Ted Cruz wanted to hide all the Texas dildos in his butt so the rest of the Texans couldn't have them, especially in light of how a "fella" with access to Cruz's Twitter account late at night "liked" some good old fashioned porn.

And for Cruz to now claim that he didn't really WANT to impound all the dildos, it was just that he was being forced by the strong fist of THE LAW to do it, is just silly. Dana Bash read his brief. SO DID WONKETTE, LAST YEAR. It was not the dildo brief of a man who is just "pretending" dildos are the enemy. It was the dildo brief of a man who knew dildos are a slippery slope to banging your family, because if Texas state law sanctions people slamming their clams with anything but a married heterosexual Christian penis bent on getting them pregnant, then how could they argue against incest? Yes it really said that.

It also said that if you can buy a dildo to titillate you on your down theres, what's to stop you from buying a human person for the same purpose. No, hand to God, that was part of his argument. His 13,000 FUCKING WORD ARGUMENT.

He also continually referred to dildos as "obscene devices" and said that, though the FDA has signed off on certain "obscene devices" for "therapeutic use," he searched the internet far and wide to try to find a good solid therapy dildo, and he just couldn't. (We assume that, like therapy animals, you're allowed to bring your therapy dildos to places you're not allowed to have regular garden variety dildos. And for god's sake people, don't just go up and start petting somebody else's therapy dildo. It's DOING A JOB.)

In conclusion, Ted Cruz is full of shit.

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[Sopan Deb on Tweeter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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